So I am going to say up front. I know exactly what I am writing about today. Of course it came to me in the shower. Since I know I have already peeked the interest of my co-workers. Let's get on with it.
Well I try really hard to follow some rules that I laid out when I started writing this blog. Never to use any one's name in a way that might be hurtful. Some may believe I have broken it but trust me. There are a lot more names that I could of said that I did not. But this is about friends and even though I don't like to name names I have realized recently that with all the pain I have gone through in the last few years one thing that I have found is friends.
My Brighthouse friends are slowly becoming as my Eckerd friends are so dear to me. Unlike Eckerd I am no longer the youngest one in the group. Sometimes I feel like the old lady of the bunch.
The first day May 21, 2012. I did not know what I was in for. I had not worked in a year and well to say the least the last few weeks before starting a new job were stressful. I walked into the lobby that morning of a nice size office building and thought you can do this Jeanne. My first concern as I waited was that I would be the only female in the training class but as I looked around at the others waiting knowing that they were most likely there for the same thing I was to start a new job at a new company. Not knowing anyone is the worst but our trainer came and got us and I think we were as destine to have Mike as our trainer as we were to all be in this training class together. Now Brighthouse provided us with about 6 weeks of training. So by the time you are on the phone with a customer you feel like you know what you are doing and it is not your first day. So you really get to know the people you are training with.
So because I can I am going to name the people of our training class. I know you are thinking why well because they all have played a part in the me that is here today. I know I still struggle with a lot of stuff but when I think of where I have been I am getting someplace. Now in most instances I imagine training classes come and go. I heard people say after we were on the phones not very long. Oh, I have been here 6 months and am the only one left from my training class. Well this is where I think we are different. Of the 15 people in our training class which was one of the largest classes to date there are still 12 of us working for Brighthouse. Monica left after a week on the phone and until a few months ago all the rest of us were still working for the company. The person that sat next to me Mindy moved out west where her family is from and Faye just recently retired. Now that still leaves Natasha, Tom, Arlene, Tracey, Mary Ann, Savvas, Art, Orlando, Steve, Steven, Twan and myself. So why does this matter. Well I was thinking of how we all started out together and I am sure most move on and go their separate ways after training but for some reason we all keep up with one another. If you have ever worked in a call center you would know that longevity is not what most employees are known for but here this bunch of people have hung in there. Some still on the phones. Some work from home and love the freedom of that and others have found other departments. Not to say we are not all on the phone all the time but doing different things other than talking directly to customers and fixing their troubles over the phone.
I was thinking of my memory and how I remember things is because I think about them. I think of these people fondly and on that first day never would have imagined that not only was I standing there waiting to start a new job with a bunch of strangers but that they would actually become friends.
The office I work in now has three people in it from my training class and two more work downstairs. But here again I have found people that I truly call friends. Now yesterday was not a good day for me. I was having a rough time just getting through. I was routing I did have a hard route but I felt like I could not do it. But here is where the friends come in. The supervisor came back and got me to a place where I could focus and assured me that we could get everything done and the person next to me asked if she could help and the next thing I knew my jobs were getting out. Now I wasn't done there but on my lunch another co-worker came out and listened to me babble on about what a bad day I was having and sent me a picture of a beach with the message that I can do it. I know to some these things would not add up to much but for me it was the world. I know I am not like everyone else and sometimes that is hardest for me to get by. But these people all have decided one for all and all for one. And no matter who needs it we are there for each other every day.
Now almost 3 years in with Brighthouse I am part of a team that I am truly proud of. I have friends and co-workers alike that not only help me out but I would do anything for them. I have never been one to have a lot of friends. Better good ones than a bunch. But today I feel like I have a bunch of good friends that I work with everyday. And am blessed to have them each and every one of them.
So I thank Brighthouse for hiring me and I thank all the people that I have met along the way for truly being Good Friends.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Friday, February 20, 2015
Our differences are our similarities
Whenever I can't sleep at night the first thought that comes to my head is "it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it looks like it's gonna be another sleepless night." For those of you that don't know the lyrics to Crystal Gale's Talking in your sleep, it is one of those songs from the 70's I love. And looking that up I had no idea how many songs had to do with being up in the middle of the night. Well at this point it is 6 o'clock in the morning and it is freezing. Literally freezing. When I woke a hour or so ago to the sound of the heater trying to heat our freezing little house, Brian said it was 34 degrees outside and dropping. I have now gotten up and lit the fireplace. Which seems to be where I start a lot of the the time.
Since most of you have never been to our humble abode, we keep the computer in the front room of the house. It is surrounded by windows which I love but the real reason is it is just on the back side of the living room through an cutout that I think used to be the front window of the house. I like the light and I remember reading a long time ago that when you have kids in the house the best place for the computer was somewhere that everyone is. Not that we have kids but I always thought it was a good idea not to be sitting off in a room by yourself on this thing for hours at a time. So next to the desk I sit at is a small filing cabinet. One of the many possessions of my aunt's that I was "blessed with" as my mother likes to say.
My Aunt Jan. She was my mother's older and only sister. 3 years older than mom but in someways could not be more different. Same goes for the way I have always thought of her and I. Jan that is. Now for the differences she was tall and thin and had very short hair. Me not so much, not at all tall or thin and have always worn my hair longer but usually back in a pony tail which my sister tells me I should just cut it off if I am never going to where it down. But that is just how I like it.
So this was the rub. When we were kids I can remember a few specific times that she asked me why I was fat or remarked about my weight. Now when I say I was a kid I know I could not have been more than 11 or 12. So that has always left that mark that I was not good enough on me. Now she was very intellectual and might have thought that this question would start some sort of dialogue while I was riding in the car with her for hours because that is where she said it. When her and I and my grandmother were on a trip together. See when I was a kid my aunt and grandma were in the antique business and did mall antique shows. And there is nothing like being the grunt labor to help pack in and pack out the show and sit for untold hours in a mall somewhere you have never been before. The upside was an ice cream cone at some point in the afternoon when you thought your head was going to explode from boredom. Which meant only a few more hours to go. The best part was when my sisters and I would be there together and we would try on rings and bracelets from the jewelry case. And show off to each other what was our favorite. But only take out one thing at a time and keep those cases closed was usually what my aunt or grandmother would tell us.
So see I always thought her mean for saying things to me about being fat. Maybe that sounds harsh since she is not here to defend herself but I will do that as well because you know I try not to leave a negative light on anyone. Especially someone that is no longer around to defend herself and her words. See Jan passed away from cancer when she was my age over 20 years ago. Ovarian Cancer. Now for a woman to die at this age that I now think young but when I was 23 it was a lifetime away. I did not see many similarities. She had gone to college and travelled the world. She never married after college lived with her parents and I would have said before I opened this file cabinet that she really didn't have any friends. Now the antique business was not the only thing she did. She was a school teacher. Not an ordinary school teacher but she taught what was then called ELP. Enhanced Learning Program. This was something that she had us all tested for our IQ and my brother and I were in ELP together. It was one of those once a week programs got you out of regular class and learning some cool and different stuff. Learned to play chess which I have forgotten and how to write Haiku (which I just had to look up how to spell) but is a form of Japanese poetry that doesn't rhyme. No we did not have her for our teacher. It was enough that we would sometimes have our mom for a substitute PE (physical education) teacher. She also was the one that got my grandmother to invest in real estate which was very good for them. I will tell that story another night.
When I opened one drawer the first thing I saw was antique brochures and news paper articles. They also owned an antique shop on the beach in the building that they owned. She wrote a column for the Beach Views the beach newspaper. I opened the other drawer and there was travel information and letters and post cards from Monestaries. Hmm. I thought I know Jan had a friend that was a priest. I have emailed him a few times. He had sent my grandma a card with an email address and she had asked me to write him. So I did. Have not heard from him in years and not to long ago found the card with the email address on the desk. Of course a Christmas card with a scene of Mary on a donkey with Joseph in the night walking toward a manger. Not an important detail but one I remember anyway. Also papers she had written. So one day this week I decided in that spare time I have now between when Brian leaves for work and when I need to go I was going to pull out a folder or two and take a peek at what has been sitting here for more than 10 years. As for the travel she travelled the world. She went to the Galopogos Islands, China and Africa and Ireland. She also took 2 of my sisters and myself to Cumberland Island, Ga. A place I have written about before. A place I want to take my own nieces and nephew. Maybe this summer. Which made me think of how I feel about Jan and how they feel about me.
So as I read I found similarities between her and I. I know all you would be psycologists that was what you were expecting. She wrote about events in her life. Incidents. If she had had a computer she might have had a blog. She was religious. Now this I knew. More Churchy than me but as I read some things were similar. I have always thought myself faithful not really religious. But I found that she to took issue with the established church sometimes. As I looked at the newspaper clippings yes there was one about childhood obesity I would have expected nothing less. But she also had a picture of Phyliss Diller that had a quote basically saying don't give up on your dreams. Hmm. Again. Dreams. I would have not took her for a dreamer. She to me was a do'er. Always going somewhere doing something. But as I read her writing she seemed she must have had times to contemplate her life and it's meaning and purpose. And those letters well her and her friend the priest had been writing back and forth for 10 years. He had lived at different monestaries which is what most of the post cards were from. She must have shared her questions she had with her life's path. He assured her that God would lead the way. Her last trip she took was to Ireland where he was at that time. The other night I read what may have been the last letter he wrote her. She was in the hospital after surgery. He was assuring her that she had to keep the faith and God would see her through this. I don't think he used the word cancer. She would have. Because she was always very matter of fact. Which looking back at myself I used to be that way. I did not see the truth as cruel when I said it. Maybe that was how she looked at asking why I was fat.
My mom told me the other night that after she was sick my mom offered to travel with her back to Ireland but she declined. My mother knew that priest was important and so was Ireland. Of course we have Irish herritage. Supposedly one of our great-great-great grandfathers and grandmothers was from Ireland. They came over and lived in Louisville before the Civil War. That same great-great-great grandfather actually died in a Civil War battle in Perryville, Ky. Jan wrote a book about it. Another project to get it published or at least self publish to give copies to the nieces and nephews.
So where does this leave us. Out in the cold? No. The sun is up and Jan and I are not so different. Yes our paths very different. I feel like she lived a full life. I am sure she would not agree. But I am also childless 40 something trying to create a legacy for my sisters kids. Who like me at there age are not very interested. I write the words that one day they might find insight into their actions from mine. How family is family and sometimes like I have said before the thing you don't like about someone else is sometimes a reflection of yourself.
I may try to email the priest again. I wonder if he still has all the letters she wrote?
Since most of you have never been to our humble abode, we keep the computer in the front room of the house. It is surrounded by windows which I love but the real reason is it is just on the back side of the living room through an cutout that I think used to be the front window of the house. I like the light and I remember reading a long time ago that when you have kids in the house the best place for the computer was somewhere that everyone is. Not that we have kids but I always thought it was a good idea not to be sitting off in a room by yourself on this thing for hours at a time. So next to the desk I sit at is a small filing cabinet. One of the many possessions of my aunt's that I was "blessed with" as my mother likes to say.
My Aunt Jan. She was my mother's older and only sister. 3 years older than mom but in someways could not be more different. Same goes for the way I have always thought of her and I. Jan that is. Now for the differences she was tall and thin and had very short hair. Me not so much, not at all tall or thin and have always worn my hair longer but usually back in a pony tail which my sister tells me I should just cut it off if I am never going to where it down. But that is just how I like it.
So this was the rub. When we were kids I can remember a few specific times that she asked me why I was fat or remarked about my weight. Now when I say I was a kid I know I could not have been more than 11 or 12. So that has always left that mark that I was not good enough on me. Now she was very intellectual and might have thought that this question would start some sort of dialogue while I was riding in the car with her for hours because that is where she said it. When her and I and my grandmother were on a trip together. See when I was a kid my aunt and grandma were in the antique business and did mall antique shows. And there is nothing like being the grunt labor to help pack in and pack out the show and sit for untold hours in a mall somewhere you have never been before. The upside was an ice cream cone at some point in the afternoon when you thought your head was going to explode from boredom. Which meant only a few more hours to go. The best part was when my sisters and I would be there together and we would try on rings and bracelets from the jewelry case. And show off to each other what was our favorite. But only take out one thing at a time and keep those cases closed was usually what my aunt or grandmother would tell us.
So see I always thought her mean for saying things to me about being fat. Maybe that sounds harsh since she is not here to defend herself but I will do that as well because you know I try not to leave a negative light on anyone. Especially someone that is no longer around to defend herself and her words. See Jan passed away from cancer when she was my age over 20 years ago. Ovarian Cancer. Now for a woman to die at this age that I now think young but when I was 23 it was a lifetime away. I did not see many similarities. She had gone to college and travelled the world. She never married after college lived with her parents and I would have said before I opened this file cabinet that she really didn't have any friends. Now the antique business was not the only thing she did. She was a school teacher. Not an ordinary school teacher but she taught what was then called ELP. Enhanced Learning Program. This was something that she had us all tested for our IQ and my brother and I were in ELP together. It was one of those once a week programs got you out of regular class and learning some cool and different stuff. Learned to play chess which I have forgotten and how to write Haiku (which I just had to look up how to spell) but is a form of Japanese poetry that doesn't rhyme. No we did not have her for our teacher. It was enough that we would sometimes have our mom for a substitute PE (physical education) teacher. She also was the one that got my grandmother to invest in real estate which was very good for them. I will tell that story another night.
When I opened one drawer the first thing I saw was antique brochures and news paper articles. They also owned an antique shop on the beach in the building that they owned. She wrote a column for the Beach Views the beach newspaper. I opened the other drawer and there was travel information and letters and post cards from Monestaries. Hmm. I thought I know Jan had a friend that was a priest. I have emailed him a few times. He had sent my grandma a card with an email address and she had asked me to write him. So I did. Have not heard from him in years and not to long ago found the card with the email address on the desk. Of course a Christmas card with a scene of Mary on a donkey with Joseph in the night walking toward a manger. Not an important detail but one I remember anyway. Also papers she had written. So one day this week I decided in that spare time I have now between when Brian leaves for work and when I need to go I was going to pull out a folder or two and take a peek at what has been sitting here for more than 10 years. As for the travel she travelled the world. She went to the Galopogos Islands, China and Africa and Ireland. She also took 2 of my sisters and myself to Cumberland Island, Ga. A place I have written about before. A place I want to take my own nieces and nephew. Maybe this summer. Which made me think of how I feel about Jan and how they feel about me.
So as I read I found similarities between her and I. I know all you would be psycologists that was what you were expecting. She wrote about events in her life. Incidents. If she had had a computer she might have had a blog. She was religious. Now this I knew. More Churchy than me but as I read some things were similar. I have always thought myself faithful not really religious. But I found that she to took issue with the established church sometimes. As I looked at the newspaper clippings yes there was one about childhood obesity I would have expected nothing less. But she also had a picture of Phyliss Diller that had a quote basically saying don't give up on your dreams. Hmm. Again. Dreams. I would have not took her for a dreamer. She to me was a do'er. Always going somewhere doing something. But as I read her writing she seemed she must have had times to contemplate her life and it's meaning and purpose. And those letters well her and her friend the priest had been writing back and forth for 10 years. He had lived at different monestaries which is what most of the post cards were from. She must have shared her questions she had with her life's path. He assured her that God would lead the way. Her last trip she took was to Ireland where he was at that time. The other night I read what may have been the last letter he wrote her. She was in the hospital after surgery. He was assuring her that she had to keep the faith and God would see her through this. I don't think he used the word cancer. She would have. Because she was always very matter of fact. Which looking back at myself I used to be that way. I did not see the truth as cruel when I said it. Maybe that was how she looked at asking why I was fat.
My mom told me the other night that after she was sick my mom offered to travel with her back to Ireland but she declined. My mother knew that priest was important and so was Ireland. Of course we have Irish herritage. Supposedly one of our great-great-great grandfathers and grandmothers was from Ireland. They came over and lived in Louisville before the Civil War. That same great-great-great grandfather actually died in a Civil War battle in Perryville, Ky. Jan wrote a book about it. Another project to get it published or at least self publish to give copies to the nieces and nephews.
So where does this leave us. Out in the cold? No. The sun is up and Jan and I are not so different. Yes our paths very different. I feel like she lived a full life. I am sure she would not agree. But I am also childless 40 something trying to create a legacy for my sisters kids. Who like me at there age are not very interested. I write the words that one day they might find insight into their actions from mine. How family is family and sometimes like I have said before the thing you don't like about someone else is sometimes a reflection of yourself.
I may try to email the priest again. I wonder if he still has all the letters she wrote?
Thursday, February 12, 2015
I Tolerate you till death do us part
With Valentine's Day coming up I thought I would write about Love and Marriage and Tolerance. These all go together well at least in my mind. It goes way back to a day that I was irritated with Brian and he kept saying I love you. And at that moment I was mad. I said, "I tolerate you." Then he was madder. Well I went on to explain the meaning of tolerate. Merriam-Webster says, to allow (something that is bad or unpleasant) to happen, exist or be done. or to accept the feelings or beliefs or another. Which is similar to what I told Brian that day. I said, "you know before me you had other girlfriends and I assume that they all said they love you right?" He agreed but still not happy. I said then why are they not still here? Because they didn't tolerate you. See you can love something or someone and it will get you by for a while but if you do not tolerate all they are inside and out then you will not last forever. And I tolerate you. Forever.
Well that was not the end of that day but it was forever ingrained in both of us that we have to be able to put up with the things that irritate the crap out of us that the other does. It is the same for any relationship. Brothers, and sisters, moms and dads and even friends. Everyone has a childhood friend that something happened somewhere along the way and you could no longer tolerate their behavior or they yours and poof. No more friendship. Same with families that no longer speak. So my determination is that if you want a relationship to last yes love is nice but the key is tolerate the other person till death do us part. I know that no one is going to change their vows to include tolerate but I think it is the most important one.
Had a dear friend from middle school until we were into are 20's she was bitchy and bossy and always wanted to be in charge and that was ok. She slept with my boyfriend of 7 years. Couldn't tolerate that end of friendship. End of boyfriend too. Couldn't tolerate his behavior any longer either.
This is the sort of action that some would tolerate. Some would say I can get past it but I believe that is the seed that starts the process of no longer loving the person. In my case seed planted and grew to maturity in about 3.2 seconds that day for them both.
On a side note for tolerance. I think the world could use a lot more of it. Sometimes that thing that irritates you about someone else is something inside of you that you do not like either. So if everyone would try to be more tolerant of the people around them the world could be a much better place.
And for those of you considering marriage keep in mind that thing that they do that bothers you. You know everyone does something that you were like wow. Now if I didn't love you that could be a deal breaker. Well consider how much that thing irritates you that they do and consider that they may do that thing everyday for the rest of your life. And if you can tolerate it than you should be good to go.
So this Valentine's day when you are expressing your love with a sappy card and some candy or flowers remember that the thing that keeps you together is not that you love each other. It is that you tolerate each other. Forever.
Well that was not the end of that day but it was forever ingrained in both of us that we have to be able to put up with the things that irritate the crap out of us that the other does. It is the same for any relationship. Brothers, and sisters, moms and dads and even friends. Everyone has a childhood friend that something happened somewhere along the way and you could no longer tolerate their behavior or they yours and poof. No more friendship. Same with families that no longer speak. So my determination is that if you want a relationship to last yes love is nice but the key is tolerate the other person till death do us part. I know that no one is going to change their vows to include tolerate but I think it is the most important one.
Had a dear friend from middle school until we were into are 20's she was bitchy and bossy and always wanted to be in charge and that was ok. She slept with my boyfriend of 7 years. Couldn't tolerate that end of friendship. End of boyfriend too. Couldn't tolerate his behavior any longer either.
This is the sort of action that some would tolerate. Some would say I can get past it but I believe that is the seed that starts the process of no longer loving the person. In my case seed planted and grew to maturity in about 3.2 seconds that day for them both.
On a side note for tolerance. I think the world could use a lot more of it. Sometimes that thing that irritates you about someone else is something inside of you that you do not like either. So if everyone would try to be more tolerant of the people around them the world could be a much better place.
And for those of you considering marriage keep in mind that thing that they do that bothers you. You know everyone does something that you were like wow. Now if I didn't love you that could be a deal breaker. Well consider how much that thing irritates you that they do and consider that they may do that thing everyday for the rest of your life. And if you can tolerate it than you should be good to go.
So this Valentine's day when you are expressing your love with a sappy card and some candy or flowers remember that the thing that keeps you together is not that you love each other. It is that you tolerate each other. Forever.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Before the Sun comes up
Ok. So if you remember back I had a funny post I called before the hot water runs out. It was an attempt at me explaining to you how my brain that never turns off and goes off on strange jaunts.
Well tonight or this morning. It is 4:34 in the morning. Dark and cold. I woke up had to go to the bathroom and needed a drink of water. I laid back down an hour ago and it started. Just a little thought that today I am going to go to the Plumb House with my nephew. He really likes history and is my best hope at being the keeper of the family things that I am going to pass all these family things on to. For those of you that don't know the Plumb House is where the Clearwater Historical Society is housed. It is an old wood frame house with a wrap around porch the kind that would have been here 100 years ago when Clearwater wasn't even a dot on the map. The Plumb House was moved to it's present location in 1983 (had to look it up). I was in high school then. I am going to pause here and regroup but this year in Clearwater's 100 year celebration I am going to do a post on the Plumb House.
See I have already digressed from my original thoughts. Stay focused Jeanne if you want to go back to sleep before the sun comes up. So as I thought about the Plumb House it made me think that I love that the Historical Society is going to start using South Ward Elementary School along with the local Genealogy Society. I love this because so much of our history in this area is torn down and turned into condos or some high rise hotel that I can not afford to stay in. All of which is ironic to me because the reason people originally came here was the sun, the sand or the water. You can't beat the weather here. Well not this week's weather but most of the time, this time of year the weather is mild and the mosquito's have taken a break from biting us and we can all get out and enjoy the sun and the sand and the water.
Which all that makes me think of North Ward Elementary School. My Alma mater. The only elementary school in the area that had a alumni association. Well just like South Ward has been sitting empty for the last few years and for fear of the way things go around here I worry that it will to fall to the ground in the name of progress. Oh I have to stop for a second. The Belleview Biltmore Hotel (the largest all wood structure of it's time). Another local landmark, doing what. Yes. Sitting empty waiting for someone to tear it down and build condo's. Please. I am never going back to sleep. Another night another post.
So back to North Ward. I have an idea and tonight it will not give way to sleep. I feel like this is one of those idea's that I cannot let go of. Drum roll please... So my great idea. The North Ward Art Center. See Clearwater wants to be quaint like Dunedin but can not find a way to bring business to downtown. Why not well Scientology of course. It is the first thing that comes to any one's mind when they think of downtown Clearwater. Now developers with lofty ideas have done great things like torn down the old Calvary Baptist Church and oh yeah, built a condo. Can't say how tall it is but it is big and I remember driving across the bridge coming home from the beach and seeing that one light on. Yeah that was the one guy living in this huge building for the sake of progress. That one guy that was going to bring business back to downtown. Well there was a little real estate bust but come on people the price can only go so high before reality sets in and there are no more people that can afford 1 million dollar view. See again I have gotten off course.
So The North Ward Art Center. In my vision it is a place where people can rent and use the classroom's as art studio space. The auditorium can be a meeting space or a place for a art class. Where the cafeteria can become a a cafe with a few tables out of the front lawn. A front lawn that was a patch of sand when I went there. White sand with shells. My mom was the president of the PTA that found a way to put grass in. She also brought back the May Pole dance and got some of the alumni interested in coming back and sharing their history with the kids. A few of my favorite stories from some of the old timers was that there were kids that used to come to school without shoes and others that came by boat from the beach. Wow that way beats the bus that I rode. But if I had been in a boat on the way to school well I can definitely see days that are as I like to call them "Nice Days" (days just too good for work or school). Days that well as I have always said if I were Queen or Governor or at this point Mayor. I would declare those few days a year like a snow day for those northerners to be "Nice Days". If you live here you know the ones. They fall on a Monday or a Wednesday cause that is the way the weather works. And the weather is so nice that it is just not right to have to go inside and work. A day that you can go out and do anything which is better than being inside. I digress again. I am never going back to bed.
Speaking of the front lawn maybe a Tai Chi class on Saturday morning or Yoga in the evening. Maybe the old library could become an art library and the new building could be a darkroom and photo studio. The front class that has big window's I see as a dance class or music class something that can be enjoyed and seen as people go by. A place that people want to go in a place people have been moving away from. A place that shows the historic beauty of the area. I can remember in my class upstairs that we could open the big windows in the fall and spring and the breeze blew in off the bay, oh it had to because there was no air condition. And in the winter we were warmed by radiators. Hardwood floors that echoed footsteps of students for nearly 90 years. That should again echo footsteps of people. Students could come on a field trip and learn history and art and natural beauty all in one space. They could learn that sometimes it is better to preserve and protect what is old than it is to tear it down.
I paused my writing of this post so I could searched to see what year it was the last time I was there. I found an article written in August of 2009 in the St. Pete Times. that said the school closed on June 2nd 2009. So that was it. I was there that day. I had to go. It was one of those things that my mind would not let go. So I went I walked the halls I took some pictures. I held the hand rail of the banister on the stairs that 1000's of other kids held on their first or their last and everyday in between on the way to their class. I walked across the metal bridge that connected the two sides of the upstairs classes together. The bridge that kids would stomp across to hear their own foot steps. If you stand there now I am sure you can still hear those footsteps echo across that bridge. Back to a time when the halls were filled with kids and laughter. Back to a time where Miss Davis would not threaten to call your parents if you were a neighborhood kid misbehaving but she would call your Grandmother. A place where Mrs. Delare was my teacher and Mrs. Bond taught music and Mr. Yanotovich taught band to 2 students. Yes me and one other person were the band class when I was there. The teacher's lounge area had white wicker furniture. I went to 3 elementary schools because of zoning and moving to the beach but the other 2 were newer schools and built of concrete and had no wooden banister and no metal bridge yet bigger so still viable for school children. Don't get that.
I put a link to that article I looked at to see the year the school closed. Ironic because I had already written about the foot steps echoing the halls before I looked at it and I had already written about the view from my class and the banister in the hall before I saw that there are pictures of those very things. Those very things that need to be protected and saved and used. That banister was meant for you to grasp on your way to learn something new. I think it can be used again. I think these classroom's have been waiting for this idea. For this time. For this 100 year anniversary of the city and the school.
Goodnight
5:44AM Going to go back to bed now.
Well tonight or this morning. It is 4:34 in the morning. Dark and cold. I woke up had to go to the bathroom and needed a drink of water. I laid back down an hour ago and it started. Just a little thought that today I am going to go to the Plumb House with my nephew. He really likes history and is my best hope at being the keeper of the family things that I am going to pass all these family things on to. For those of you that don't know the Plumb House is where the Clearwater Historical Society is housed. It is an old wood frame house with a wrap around porch the kind that would have been here 100 years ago when Clearwater wasn't even a dot on the map. The Plumb House was moved to it's present location in 1983 (had to look it up). I was in high school then. I am going to pause here and regroup but this year in Clearwater's 100 year celebration I am going to do a post on the Plumb House.
See I have already digressed from my original thoughts. Stay focused Jeanne if you want to go back to sleep before the sun comes up. So as I thought about the Plumb House it made me think that I love that the Historical Society is going to start using South Ward Elementary School along with the local Genealogy Society. I love this because so much of our history in this area is torn down and turned into condos or some high rise hotel that I can not afford to stay in. All of which is ironic to me because the reason people originally came here was the sun, the sand or the water. You can't beat the weather here. Well not this week's weather but most of the time, this time of year the weather is mild and the mosquito's have taken a break from biting us and we can all get out and enjoy the sun and the sand and the water.
Which all that makes me think of North Ward Elementary School. My Alma mater. The only elementary school in the area that had a alumni association. Well just like South Ward has been sitting empty for the last few years and for fear of the way things go around here I worry that it will to fall to the ground in the name of progress. Oh I have to stop for a second. The Belleview Biltmore Hotel (the largest all wood structure of it's time). Another local landmark, doing what. Yes. Sitting empty waiting for someone to tear it down and build condo's. Please. I am never going back to sleep. Another night another post.
So back to North Ward. I have an idea and tonight it will not give way to sleep. I feel like this is one of those idea's that I cannot let go of. Drum roll please... So my great idea. The North Ward Art Center. See Clearwater wants to be quaint like Dunedin but can not find a way to bring business to downtown. Why not well Scientology of course. It is the first thing that comes to any one's mind when they think of downtown Clearwater. Now developers with lofty ideas have done great things like torn down the old Calvary Baptist Church and oh yeah, built a condo. Can't say how tall it is but it is big and I remember driving across the bridge coming home from the beach and seeing that one light on. Yeah that was the one guy living in this huge building for the sake of progress. That one guy that was going to bring business back to downtown. Well there was a little real estate bust but come on people the price can only go so high before reality sets in and there are no more people that can afford 1 million dollar view. See again I have gotten off course.
So The North Ward Art Center. In my vision it is a place where people can rent and use the classroom's as art studio space. The auditorium can be a meeting space or a place for a art class. Where the cafeteria can become a a cafe with a few tables out of the front lawn. A front lawn that was a patch of sand when I went there. White sand with shells. My mom was the president of the PTA that found a way to put grass in. She also brought back the May Pole dance and got some of the alumni interested in coming back and sharing their history with the kids. A few of my favorite stories from some of the old timers was that there were kids that used to come to school without shoes and others that came by boat from the beach. Wow that way beats the bus that I rode. But if I had been in a boat on the way to school well I can definitely see days that are as I like to call them "Nice Days" (days just too good for work or school). Days that well as I have always said if I were Queen or Governor or at this point Mayor. I would declare those few days a year like a snow day for those northerners to be "Nice Days". If you live here you know the ones. They fall on a Monday or a Wednesday cause that is the way the weather works. And the weather is so nice that it is just not right to have to go inside and work. A day that you can go out and do anything which is better than being inside. I digress again. I am never going back to bed.
Speaking of the front lawn maybe a Tai Chi class on Saturday morning or Yoga in the evening. Maybe the old library could become an art library and the new building could be a darkroom and photo studio. The front class that has big window's I see as a dance class or music class something that can be enjoyed and seen as people go by. A place that people want to go in a place people have been moving away from. A place that shows the historic beauty of the area. I can remember in my class upstairs that we could open the big windows in the fall and spring and the breeze blew in off the bay, oh it had to because there was no air condition. And in the winter we were warmed by radiators. Hardwood floors that echoed footsteps of students for nearly 90 years. That should again echo footsteps of people. Students could come on a field trip and learn history and art and natural beauty all in one space. They could learn that sometimes it is better to preserve and protect what is old than it is to tear it down.
I paused my writing of this post so I could searched to see what year it was the last time I was there. I found an article written in August of 2009 in the St. Pete Times. that said the school closed on June 2nd 2009. So that was it. I was there that day. I had to go. It was one of those things that my mind would not let go. So I went I walked the halls I took some pictures. I held the hand rail of the banister on the stairs that 1000's of other kids held on their first or their last and everyday in between on the way to their class. I walked across the metal bridge that connected the two sides of the upstairs classes together. The bridge that kids would stomp across to hear their own foot steps. If you stand there now I am sure you can still hear those footsteps echo across that bridge. Back to a time when the halls were filled with kids and laughter. Back to a time where Miss Davis would not threaten to call your parents if you were a neighborhood kid misbehaving but she would call your Grandmother. A place where Mrs. Delare was my teacher and Mrs. Bond taught music and Mr. Yanotovich taught band to 2 students. Yes me and one other person were the band class when I was there. The teacher's lounge area had white wicker furniture. I went to 3 elementary schools because of zoning and moving to the beach but the other 2 were newer schools and built of concrete and had no wooden banister and no metal bridge yet bigger so still viable for school children. Don't get that.
I put a link to that article I looked at to see the year the school closed. Ironic because I had already written about the foot steps echoing the halls before I looked at it and I had already written about the view from my class and the banister in the hall before I saw that there are pictures of those very things. Those very things that need to be protected and saved and used. That banister was meant for you to grasp on your way to learn something new. I think it can be used again. I think these classroom's have been waiting for this idea. For this time. For this 100 year anniversary of the city and the school.
Goodnight
5:44AM Going to go back to bed now.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
New Year New Things
So. Out with the old and in with the new. I feel much better today than I did last week this time. I have set some goals and they say if you tell others you are more likely to keep them. Well I also read it is easier to do multiple things once you start the first.
I am starting with a short list of things I want to do this year.
Write more.
Cry less.
Exercise more.
Eat better.
Like I said short list. So I have started off with writing more. I wrote a blog on the 3rd and here it is only the 8th and writing again. Good start. Right direction. Cry less. Talked to someone yesterday about that. And am feeling in a much more positive mood since I woke up yesterday. This does not change over night. Come on I may be depressed at times but I am not manic. I know people that are and wow. Their mood swings will knock you over. So again baby steps. I want to do more things but I always seem to never have time. Don't know if it is the fact we are on the up swing of winter. The days are now getting longer. I know it has only been a few weeks since but more sunlight is better for me than the darkness. Get it sunshine and shadows. I need more light and less dark. So again. I feel like I am moving forward.
On the exercise and eat better front. I walk at work. Usually it is a lap and a half around the building that I work in on my 15 minute breaks. I don't like to walk when it is dark so I have only been walking once and if the weather isn't good. I don't walk but yesterday it was nice out and I walked 2 and a half times around the building and still had time to spare and wasn't out of breath and felt pretty good when I was done. I also bought myself a new exercise game for the wii and am looking forward to trying it out tomorrow when I am off. Don't like to exercise with an audience. Which brings me to my whole new year new me plan. We just had a shift bid at work and I have the same days off but will be going into work an hour later 4 days a week. So I will have one hour 4 days a week to myself before work. The plan is for that to be me time. Turn off the tv and do what I want to do before I have to leave for work. Exercise, write and cook.
Now as for the eating better. I have been doing baby steps for a long time but my body doesn't seem to care what I cut out. You know quite a while back I cut out soda. I now have about one soda a week. Sometimes not even that. I drink unsweet tea with lemon please. The lemon is for my throat. I talk a lot at work and like the soothing lemon in my tea. So then I cut out fries. If I eat fast food I will just get a sandwich and a drink. Tea. Then I decided I could cut out the bread sometimes and just get chicken nuggets at Chick-fil-a but I am getting sick of them and the calorie difference isn't that much. So I must do something else. I do like real food and I do like to cook but when you get up at 10 and have to be at work at 12:30 and have no ambition. Well it isn't often that I have gotten up in the last year and cooked something before work. I have put a few things in the crock pot but with Brian's picky taste and no veggies for him it is hard to come up with things to make that are different. But I am going to try to make vegetable and eat them more.
Speaking of vegetables, yesterday I was told my weepiness is in part due to my body not producing enough serotonin. And I looked online very carefully for foods that help your body produce more. Funny first thing was spinach. I find it funny because all my life I have been anemic and it wasn't until 3 years ago I had a blood transfusion and a procedure to help with that and I am much better on that front. The funny part people say eat red meat to help with anemia but I always ate spinach to try to help because anything beats an iron pill. Trust me on that one. But the symptoms of anemia and depression well I know they are not the same but the same things are on the list so when I was already tired and rundown from my anemia and then you add a little depression for good measure. I never had the energy to do anything. So just one more ironic (get it iron-ic) thing for me to improve on this year.
My hour of writing is up and that was one of the goals to make it so I could do something productive in an hour and get on with my day. I really wanted to write today about history and Florida and that Clearwater turns 100 years old this year. Guess I will save that for another day.
Have a great day and Happy New Year.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Old demons and New Year
I started this blog a while back but after yesterday I feel like I can finish because as everything is a cycle and I was in that same place again. If you go back before the days at Brighthouse before I was unemployed for a year. Before that I worked and worried a lot. Today I enjoy my job and the people around me but every now and then those old worries come back. I feel a pain or a cramp and it will manifest into panic. I used to look up what the pain was online. Almost all things could kill you just Google it. So no more self diagnosis.
So yesterday I was out of one of my prescriptions I knew it was ready at the store and I took the one at home and then drove to the store to pick up the other. I even bought a bottle of water to take it as soon as I got it. Then I opened the bottle and the pill looked different. Was it wrong? I called Brian at home knowing my old bottle was sitting on the counter in the bathroom. Just to verify it was the same. It was. But I still have the feeling something is not right. But it is, but it isn't. See how can I know something is right and still think something is wrong. Is my blood pressure to high. Was that the right pill?
So I spent the afternoon with my nephew. He played video games and after a while I was feeling better. We watched a movie and all was good. While he was here I got a call from the dr about another prescription I was getting refilled and they asked about my blood pressure. I said it has been good. But now that they are asking now I am wondering again. Is it to high. I can't take it. I would worry myself sick. So now I wonder am I ok or not. My sister picked up her son and now the time when I am totally free to do whatever I want. Before I could even think of doing anything. I was worrying that my blood pressure was too high. My face was getting hot. What is wrong?
Panic...If you do not know the feeling it is kinda like a prickly feeling all over your body after that first rush of adrenaline. I think the initial rush is like fight or flight. Some sort of defense to something that isn't even there. Because no matter what it is that starts the panic it is a process and takes time to come back down to defcon 5. (If you are not aware that is the Defense Condition measured between 1 and 5 and 5 is normal military readiness and 1 is the maximum state of readiness.) Learn something new everyday. I knew the term but did not know the definition until now.
The main thing I have to do is not think. But once the thoughts are going through my head it is really hard to get back to the normal, calm, quiet mind most people consider normal. But I couldn't get there on my own. I have a couple fool proof cures for this feeling. Guess what they are not pills. They are people.
See being alone is more difficult than being with others. With others or at work I can focus on anything else other than the thing that is trying to debilitate me. So last night I did my sure thing. I called a friend. I don't want to start right off with we need to talk about anything because I am crazy. Of course I have been reassured more than once that I am not but how can your brain know you are ok and at the same time worry that you are not.
To me it is like being on a ledge. Not a ledge I am going to jump from but one I am hanging on to. If I let go I don't know what will happen and that is what I worry about. What could happen? Trust me the list could be long but just like when you google what is wrong with you it always has and then you could die.
Yes that is unrealistic but when my head is in this spot it is hard for me to get out. If I hadn't called in the prescription the dr office wouldn't have called no panic. If I had picked up the pills yesterday and taken them together as normal no panic. Could something else had caused the panic? Sure. There is always the potential for something else but my health is the worst. So I have a little plan worked out that I am going to start doing a few things for myself and exercising more. It is going to be a regular thing and I am going to add writing back into being a regular thing. I know as the new year begins things will be good.
I want to thank the friends that talk to me in this state. There are only a few I trust with this fragile Jeanne. The wrong thing said can make it worse. But the best thing is just to talk about nothing. Sometimes 5 minutes is good sometimes an hour. But when I am back to feeling better it is such a weight lifted. Talking about things from years ago. Things that we have done. Things we want to do. Anything really as long as it is not about me and how I am feeling now. I sometimes wish I understood what it is and how it works as it happens. I am getting better at the process and making the feeling go away. A baby aspirin and a good nights sleep helps as well.
So to a Happy and Mentally Healthy New Year.
So yesterday I was out of one of my prescriptions I knew it was ready at the store and I took the one at home and then drove to the store to pick up the other. I even bought a bottle of water to take it as soon as I got it. Then I opened the bottle and the pill looked different. Was it wrong? I called Brian at home knowing my old bottle was sitting on the counter in the bathroom. Just to verify it was the same. It was. But I still have the feeling something is not right. But it is, but it isn't. See how can I know something is right and still think something is wrong. Is my blood pressure to high. Was that the right pill?
So I spent the afternoon with my nephew. He played video games and after a while I was feeling better. We watched a movie and all was good. While he was here I got a call from the dr about another prescription I was getting refilled and they asked about my blood pressure. I said it has been good. But now that they are asking now I am wondering again. Is it to high. I can't take it. I would worry myself sick. So now I wonder am I ok or not. My sister picked up her son and now the time when I am totally free to do whatever I want. Before I could even think of doing anything. I was worrying that my blood pressure was too high. My face was getting hot. What is wrong?
Panic...If you do not know the feeling it is kinda like a prickly feeling all over your body after that first rush of adrenaline. I think the initial rush is like fight or flight. Some sort of defense to something that isn't even there. Because no matter what it is that starts the panic it is a process and takes time to come back down to defcon 5. (If you are not aware that is the Defense Condition measured between 1 and 5 and 5 is normal military readiness and 1 is the maximum state of readiness.) Learn something new everyday. I knew the term but did not know the definition until now.
The main thing I have to do is not think. But once the thoughts are going through my head it is really hard to get back to the normal, calm, quiet mind most people consider normal. But I couldn't get there on my own. I have a couple fool proof cures for this feeling. Guess what they are not pills. They are people.
See being alone is more difficult than being with others. With others or at work I can focus on anything else other than the thing that is trying to debilitate me. So last night I did my sure thing. I called a friend. I don't want to start right off with we need to talk about anything because I am crazy. Of course I have been reassured more than once that I am not but how can your brain know you are ok and at the same time worry that you are not.
To me it is like being on a ledge. Not a ledge I am going to jump from but one I am hanging on to. If I let go I don't know what will happen and that is what I worry about. What could happen? Trust me the list could be long but just like when you google what is wrong with you it always has and then you could die.
Yes that is unrealistic but when my head is in this spot it is hard for me to get out. If I hadn't called in the prescription the dr office wouldn't have called no panic. If I had picked up the pills yesterday and taken them together as normal no panic. Could something else had caused the panic? Sure. There is always the potential for something else but my health is the worst. So I have a little plan worked out that I am going to start doing a few things for myself and exercising more. It is going to be a regular thing and I am going to add writing back into being a regular thing. I know as the new year begins things will be good.
I want to thank the friends that talk to me in this state. There are only a few I trust with this fragile Jeanne. The wrong thing said can make it worse. But the best thing is just to talk about nothing. Sometimes 5 minutes is good sometimes an hour. But when I am back to feeling better it is such a weight lifted. Talking about things from years ago. Things that we have done. Things we want to do. Anything really as long as it is not about me and how I am feeling now. I sometimes wish I understood what it is and how it works as it happens. I am getting better at the process and making the feeling go away. A baby aspirin and a good nights sleep helps as well.
So to a Happy and Mentally Healthy New Year.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
My Christmas Special
So it is almost Christmas Eve. It is 11:26pm on the 23rd. I am home alone because as any of you know that have ever worked retail Brian is working until midnight for those that need Scotch tape or just some Scotch. Only kidding. Walgreens doesn't sell liquor anymore but you get the idea. So here I am alone. Watched Kelly Clarkson's Christmas special from last year. As soon as I saw Robin Williams it made me remember he is gone. As I said in my post earlier this week I am overwhelmed by the Holidays. Everything seems to be an emotional roller coaster for me. Work, home, in the car. Everything seems to make me want to cry. And as I have said before not all are tears of sadness but tears none the less. This time of year has always been hard for me. When I was younger I would say I didn't like Christmas but that isn't true I just don't like the feelings that come with Christmas.
Christmas has always been a time of change in my life. I moved out on Christmas in 1991. The same year my grandmother died. And her funeral was on Christmas Eve. Can't really say I moved out that day. I just stopped going home. Well a year later on Christmas my roommate and I moved into a house on the beach that my other grandmother owned. And just to follow the pattern in 2003 Brian and I bought our house we live in today and closed the day after Christmas. Now moving has nothing to do with me liking or disliking or feeling sad around the holidays.
I remember that Christmas in 1991. My friend that I moved in with well I don't know if I can express all the feelings I have about him in one post but we ran the gamut. Love, Hate and everywhere in between. He took me to a Broadway Musical Christmas Show at Ruth Eckerd Hall. It was incredible. I loved the music, the singing the orchestra. I love real music, played by real musicians and songs sung by real singers. Anyway...
My Grandmother my Dad's mom and she passed away just days before Christmas. She was getting ready to go to work at the fish market. Crocheting in her rocking chair that is right behind me tonight. Grandma was Christmas. I can see her in her white coat ushering at church with her Christmas Tree pin that I now own. My prize possession one of my cousins passed on to me after her mom had passed it to her. Grandma had a tree decorated the same every year. Simple, elegant and beautiful. She had these small angel carolers under the tree. I wish I had just one. Makes me sad even now all these years later. She also always made cheese danishes and poppy seed roll and nut rolls and God only knows what else. I have made the cheese danishes and the nut rolls from scratch just like she did. Someday I will pass on these to someone.
This was not the topic I was going to write about tonight. I wanted to talk about family. And how important it is. And how you never know when you or someone you love are the one who will not be here for next year's Christmas Special. Which I guess I have always gotten and tried to share with my brother and sisters. There is no guarentee in life and being together now is all we have for sure. When my mom's mom lived with my mom I would remind my sisters that she would not be around forever and she lived to be 93 there was no reason to cry. We had our whole lives with her until we were all 40 or more. Grandma has been gone for 2 years and my mom's brother that lives 2 doors down from her never stops or calls. 2 doors down. I don't get it. My mom never did anything. The first year at Christmas I thought well he just doesn't want to give us money like Grandma and him used to. I don't care about the money. Then last year after my mom had her stroke I thought surely he would stop by. Now my mom can not walk as far as his house and I know the phone works both ways so it is not all one sided. But what is up. Why do people not realize when it comes down to it that family is what you have and even though you can't pick your parents or siblings I wouldn't trade the one's I have. It just brings me back to 1991 and Grandma Helen just wanted all of her kids and grandkids together for Christmas but everyone is busy. Well guess what a $600 plane ticket to get my sister home and there is a picture on Grandma's front porch on Christmas Eve of the family all but me who was working. I was at the funeral but went back to work afterwards. Retail I tell you. That would be my Grandmother's 4 living children, spouses and 16 of the 17 grand children. Did they all wish they had that one more Christmas with Grandma? Sure but a day late and a dollar short.
So in this day of everyone is so busy why am I the only one that remembers? One sister called tonight to ask why we are having Christmas late at mom's and why everything can't be the way the rest want it. And one has to work on Friday. I am sure that we aren't going to be that late and well this is not up for negotiation. The point of Christmas at mom's is it is last. You don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do so we can enjoy each other and open presents and eat together. Isn't that a song? No it is from a tape I listen to to settle my brain at night when my brain won't stop.
Now for those of you that have not experienced Christmas at my mom's there was always and excess. Excess of food, presents and family. There was always someone that had no where else to go that could not believe a living room so full of family and presents. I remember the year my oldest niece was about 4. She was so excited. She ripped through the presents that she got like crazy and then she went to each adult and asked if she could open their presents. And ripped the paper and had it strewn everywhere. Gifts would be lost in the paper. Money evelopes would be lost and have to be found before the gift wrap would all be thrown out. That is the Christmas I like to remember. Even in the lean years. And there were some pretty lean years. My mom always wanted us to have presents. Something to open. Some special food. I don't know if it is because I am the oldest or if it is because I can not let go of some of these memories but doesn't anyone else remeber how hard she worked for us.
Well it is now Christmas Eve and I have listened to the complete Christmas album while writing and I just remembered one of the things about family I wanted to say back when I wrote that I wouldn't trade my brother or sisters. When we were kids it was one for all and all for one. I am not sure why and I am not saying that my sisters didn't wear my clothes and yes I got mad but I remember so many other times that we did everything together. We would play school, we would go exploring on the beach. We would walk for over a mile to get to the north end of the beach past the houses and look for shells and fish and crabs and whatever else we could find that we had never seen before. Now I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but there are 5 of us. I am the oldest, then my brother, then I have 3 more sisters. There is a 7 year age difference between me and my youngest sister. So we are all close in age. 13 months, 14 months, 13 months and 2 years apart.. Get it we are close. I know I have told the story of us deciding that we are going to swim from the dock across the street from our house to Island Estates. This was a story my uncle had said that he had swam with his friends from the north end to Caledisi Island. So we took it as well if he can I know we can. Oh another great group decision. It was crazy but we had my youngest sister on a raft because we knew she couln't make the trip but we were all going. I didn't realize it was crazy til we were over half way and saw a boat coming and realized how small our heads were and how it may not have been our brightest moment. Another day we were home alone one afternoon and a magazine salesman came to the house. We invited him in. Now we had no money and not really sure what the guy thought but we talked to this guy for quite a while before he left realizing we were not buying what he was selling. There were other decisions we made as a group. Some for good and some not so much. So I wonder where that feeling of all for one and one for all has gone. This last year since mom had her stroke she has not driven. I have been taking her to the grocery and where ever else she needs to go one one of my days off. Now with there being 5 of us that all live within 10 miles of her that we could share some of the responsibilities. And I am not saying never but really. Should I feel like my life is worth less than theirs. My house needs to be cleaned and I don't want to do it. I know it is not always easy and I don't always do it with a smile but I do it. And no I am not trying to be the marter. I just know what is right. And what is right is my mom needs help and company and if it means my house is a mess forever then so be it.
Now it is time to wrap things up. Get it wrap things up. Well both literally and figuretivly I want to be happy for Christmas and enjoy as much as I can and hold back the tears until I am home.
I do not care what I receive as a Christmas gift. I want the people I give a gift to to love the gift I give. I want to go to church, to sing Christmas carols to maybe watch midnight mass from the Vatican on tv and wrap presents. Cry when I hear Silent Night and enjoy my 3 days off in a row.
I know you all are thinking isn't there anything that makes this girl smile. Yes. All these things at one time made me smile. Just remember we don't know if all the people on this year's Christmas special will be on next year. So enjoy them while they are here.
Christmas Eve 1:16AM Merry Christmas
Christmas has always been a time of change in my life. I moved out on Christmas in 1991. The same year my grandmother died. And her funeral was on Christmas Eve. Can't really say I moved out that day. I just stopped going home. Well a year later on Christmas my roommate and I moved into a house on the beach that my other grandmother owned. And just to follow the pattern in 2003 Brian and I bought our house we live in today and closed the day after Christmas. Now moving has nothing to do with me liking or disliking or feeling sad around the holidays.
I remember that Christmas in 1991. My friend that I moved in with well I don't know if I can express all the feelings I have about him in one post but we ran the gamut. Love, Hate and everywhere in between. He took me to a Broadway Musical Christmas Show at Ruth Eckerd Hall. It was incredible. I loved the music, the singing the orchestra. I love real music, played by real musicians and songs sung by real singers. Anyway...
My Grandmother my Dad's mom and she passed away just days before Christmas. She was getting ready to go to work at the fish market. Crocheting in her rocking chair that is right behind me tonight. Grandma was Christmas. I can see her in her white coat ushering at church with her Christmas Tree pin that I now own. My prize possession one of my cousins passed on to me after her mom had passed it to her. Grandma had a tree decorated the same every year. Simple, elegant and beautiful. She had these small angel carolers under the tree. I wish I had just one. Makes me sad even now all these years later. She also always made cheese danishes and poppy seed roll and nut rolls and God only knows what else. I have made the cheese danishes and the nut rolls from scratch just like she did. Someday I will pass on these to someone.
This was not the topic I was going to write about tonight. I wanted to talk about family. And how important it is. And how you never know when you or someone you love are the one who will not be here for next year's Christmas Special. Which I guess I have always gotten and tried to share with my brother and sisters. There is no guarentee in life and being together now is all we have for sure. When my mom's mom lived with my mom I would remind my sisters that she would not be around forever and she lived to be 93 there was no reason to cry. We had our whole lives with her until we were all 40 or more. Grandma has been gone for 2 years and my mom's brother that lives 2 doors down from her never stops or calls. 2 doors down. I don't get it. My mom never did anything. The first year at Christmas I thought well he just doesn't want to give us money like Grandma and him used to. I don't care about the money. Then last year after my mom had her stroke I thought surely he would stop by. Now my mom can not walk as far as his house and I know the phone works both ways so it is not all one sided. But what is up. Why do people not realize when it comes down to it that family is what you have and even though you can't pick your parents or siblings I wouldn't trade the one's I have. It just brings me back to 1991 and Grandma Helen just wanted all of her kids and grandkids together for Christmas but everyone is busy. Well guess what a $600 plane ticket to get my sister home and there is a picture on Grandma's front porch on Christmas Eve of the family all but me who was working. I was at the funeral but went back to work afterwards. Retail I tell you. That would be my Grandmother's 4 living children, spouses and 16 of the 17 grand children. Did they all wish they had that one more Christmas with Grandma? Sure but a day late and a dollar short.
So in this day of everyone is so busy why am I the only one that remembers? One sister called tonight to ask why we are having Christmas late at mom's and why everything can't be the way the rest want it. And one has to work on Friday. I am sure that we aren't going to be that late and well this is not up for negotiation. The point of Christmas at mom's is it is last. You don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do so we can enjoy each other and open presents and eat together. Isn't that a song? No it is from a tape I listen to to settle my brain at night when my brain won't stop.
Now for those of you that have not experienced Christmas at my mom's there was always and excess. Excess of food, presents and family. There was always someone that had no where else to go that could not believe a living room so full of family and presents. I remember the year my oldest niece was about 4. She was so excited. She ripped through the presents that she got like crazy and then she went to each adult and asked if she could open their presents. And ripped the paper and had it strewn everywhere. Gifts would be lost in the paper. Money evelopes would be lost and have to be found before the gift wrap would all be thrown out. That is the Christmas I like to remember. Even in the lean years. And there were some pretty lean years. My mom always wanted us to have presents. Something to open. Some special food. I don't know if it is because I am the oldest or if it is because I can not let go of some of these memories but doesn't anyone else remeber how hard she worked for us.
Well it is now Christmas Eve and I have listened to the complete Christmas album while writing and I just remembered one of the things about family I wanted to say back when I wrote that I wouldn't trade my brother or sisters. When we were kids it was one for all and all for one. I am not sure why and I am not saying that my sisters didn't wear my clothes and yes I got mad but I remember so many other times that we did everything together. We would play school, we would go exploring on the beach. We would walk for over a mile to get to the north end of the beach past the houses and look for shells and fish and crabs and whatever else we could find that we had never seen before. Now I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but there are 5 of us. I am the oldest, then my brother, then I have 3 more sisters. There is a 7 year age difference between me and my youngest sister. So we are all close in age. 13 months, 14 months, 13 months and 2 years apart.. Get it we are close. I know I have told the story of us deciding that we are going to swim from the dock across the street from our house to Island Estates. This was a story my uncle had said that he had swam with his friends from the north end to Caledisi Island. So we took it as well if he can I know we can. Oh another great group decision. It was crazy but we had my youngest sister on a raft because we knew she couln't make the trip but we were all going. I didn't realize it was crazy til we were over half way and saw a boat coming and realized how small our heads were and how it may not have been our brightest moment. Another day we were home alone one afternoon and a magazine salesman came to the house. We invited him in. Now we had no money and not really sure what the guy thought but we talked to this guy for quite a while before he left realizing we were not buying what he was selling. There were other decisions we made as a group. Some for good and some not so much. So I wonder where that feeling of all for one and one for all has gone. This last year since mom had her stroke she has not driven. I have been taking her to the grocery and where ever else she needs to go one one of my days off. Now with there being 5 of us that all live within 10 miles of her that we could share some of the responsibilities. And I am not saying never but really. Should I feel like my life is worth less than theirs. My house needs to be cleaned and I don't want to do it. I know it is not always easy and I don't always do it with a smile but I do it. And no I am not trying to be the marter. I just know what is right. And what is right is my mom needs help and company and if it means my house is a mess forever then so be it.
Now it is time to wrap things up. Get it wrap things up. Well both literally and figuretivly I want to be happy for Christmas and enjoy as much as I can and hold back the tears until I am home.
I do not care what I receive as a Christmas gift. I want the people I give a gift to to love the gift I give. I want to go to church, to sing Christmas carols to maybe watch midnight mass from the Vatican on tv and wrap presents. Cry when I hear Silent Night and enjoy my 3 days off in a row.
I know you all are thinking isn't there anything that makes this girl smile. Yes. All these things at one time made me smile. Just remember we don't know if all the people on this year's Christmas special will be on next year. So enjoy them while they are here.
Christmas Eve 1:16AM Merry Christmas
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)