Peace and Grace

 Fifty-nine trips around the sun later. It is funny how at sixteen I knew it all, yet all these years later I have more questions than answers. All those years ago, my parents and I lived in a house with extra space. Over the years they filled that space and then some with my siblings but for that first year, it was just me. 

I remember so much of my childhood even parts people say I shouldn't be able to remember but yet I hold those memories like little clips of video reels stuck in my head. Remember when, I was about two and my mom was getting me dressed on the end of my parents bed. Remember when, we went to church at Clearwater High because Light of Christ was still being built. Remember dad holding my hand while I walked down the hallway in front of the cafeteria at Clearwater High after church.  No one is left but me, and my parents could never believe that those were memories and not stories that I made up that I remembered.

There is a memory of a story I don't remember but my dad told me when I was in about 7th grade. I was writing a paper about getting over something hard. I had no idea what I was going to write. My dad said, he remembered a time when he and I were walking and I tripped and dad stood there waiting for me to get up. There were these two ladies and they said to him aren't you going to pick her up? My dad said, I won't always be there for her. She needs to be able to get up on her own. That story has stuck with me. Now a days the world makes video reels about oldest children and how they need to learn to ask for help. At a very small age were we all told we don't need anyone to help us. Is that why we are stubborn and can't ask for help now?

Last night I met my sister Beth and her girls Emily and Ashley for ice cream. When we were leaving I mentioned that my brother's birthday is coming up next and we should take him out to lunch in the next few weeks. My niece asked if I wanted to have lunch with them by myself to celebrate my birthday with just the girls and Paul or if I wanted to share that with Al. My sister laughed and said she has been sharing her birthday with Al her whole life. We have always kidded each other about sharing birthdays. My sister Tori had her daughter Alex on our sister Beth's birthday. Since genealogy has always been a hobby of mine I have always believed that there are days that seem to matter in a family. Dad died on his parents wedding anniversary. Tori was born on my mom's parents anniversary. Some of the numbers of birthdates go in order: 15,16,17,18 then there are the outliers 5.22,24. Then there are the later numbers that lay to the side of the originals: 23.25 and 26 which takes the outliers and makes another group. Oh I almost forgot my day is shared by my aunt and uncle that got married on my birthday. They didn't know it was my birthday until their wedding day. See they gave me a pair of Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls. I thanked them for the birthday gift and they were really a gift for being the flower girl in their wedding. We were all confused that day.

In my 59 trips around the sun, I have spent more with Brian than I ever did with my parents or siblings. Yet somehow those first sixteen years, made their mark, left the scars and opened wounds that like a diabectics foot that will never heal. LOL. Not many would laugh at that analogy but not many would think of it either. Then again there are the lessons I learned, to be independent to stand up for myself and others. My ability to know what others feel and the empathy I have for them somehow was it always there or was it learned as well? 

Still more questions. In my adult years most of which I have spent with Brian we have had our moments as well. There are the ones that left scars and those that opened my heart like no surgeon ever could. Unfortunately, to open my heart they didn't crack my ribs. Just straight in with surgical prescision some have come into my  life and once they entered my heart they didn't close the door when they left. My pets would be one example. We are have had four dogs and six cats share our home and none of them sewed up the spot they entered my heart. Even Riley with his underbite ripping through my semi-old lady skin, I couldn't give him up. Maybe I am just a glutten for punishment.

Back to that know it all sixteen year old, she was a piece of work. So smart, yet naive. There are times I have questioned how it could be that I know somethings and other things that seem to be common knowledge to some is an obscure concept for me. It doesn't bother me when people don't get me. I understand that. My brain is clearly wired differently than most. I don't find it to be all bad. There are parts of me that people have told me along the way that I should fix. I shouldn't carry other people's back pack. It refers to me lugging along others problems as though they were mine and sometimes I set down my own and don't pay them any attention because of someone elses that I want to help. I understand the concept. It goes back to dad and that I need to help myself but there are times I dream of my load being lightened by someone willing to pick up my slack, but then again some of my slack I am the only one that can fix it or resolve it or carry it. 

As the new day is litterally about to dawn on my sixtith trip around the sun. I hope that my heart being opened for others will let me learn to give myself grace. That same grace I would offer any other living soul. I should offer to myself. That is the lesson I need to learn this year. Peace and Grace.

Native or not? Here we come.

While reading a book today called Finding Florida by T. D. Allman, I just finished reading about Disney and Kerouac coming to Florida. Then, about Miami and some crazy laws that carried on years that never should have existed. I flipped to the front of the book, looking for the date written (2013) and I saw a heading for the first section, "Invasive Species". My brain automatically thought we are it, them the invasive ones. We are the ones who overconsume natural resources and take land away from cattle ranches to build housing and then complain about the price of beef. Or build our homes next to a river that has run for eons and are surprised or mad when the alligator that lives there wants to enjoy your pool. We are mad that trees we brought from somewhere else, like Brazilian pepper trees, have multiplied and prospered beyond our wildest dreams, and those turtles you bought your kids off the back of a white panel van on the side of the road. And when they got too big, you and the kids ceremoniously "return" them to where they originated. Not exactly, since there is no fish feeder sending pellets into the pond each evening and even God hopes they can survive, but someone else will come along and say they aren't native and don't belong. The theme persists throughout the state. Pythons in the Everglades are definitely a problem, but they are trying to survive after their home was destroyed and they were flung to the wilderness thanks to a hurricane. 

I once belonged to an online group that I thought was for people native to Florida to share their views of Florida. I was wrong, they only wanted to see any person's views of things native to Florida so my orchids were removed, they aren't native to Florida. I made the executive decision that since I am, and they were probably not native to Florida, their group was not for me. 

It is horrible that people's homes are lost to a storms, but to rebuild the same as it was again and hope it will really be 100 years til it happens again is unrealistic, with all of the concrete and asphalt it's no wonder the temperatures for the summer we expect to have over 90 days of over 90 degrees. We have well exceeded this summer. Yes, it will cool down, but it will take a good drenching and the way the planet fixes it is a good old tropical storm or two. How severe? That is the question.  

Now if we move on to the national version of this same game. And just maybe playing out right now with a group of people forced to the Everglades. Imagine that storm I spoke of above displacing a bunch of humans that had been kept in a secure facility in South Florida, and that facility being damaged and all those people tossed into the Everglades just trying to survive. They have already been accused of being invasive. Just a thought. 

And this summer I visited the Ah-Tah-Thi-Ki Museum in the Everglades. The museum represents the lives of the Seminole Indians and how they ended up in the Everglades. Let's see how did that go, oh yes, someone wanted land someone else had lived on for eons and wanted to force the people living there to move to let's just say Oklahoma. Not a place they were from or wanted to live. The land didn't have the same resources for these people to live, so instead of following the train of people being taken away, they headed south and ended up in the Everglades. A place where they were able to work the land and fish in the waters and make a life for themselves. Guess what the theme plays on. We went on an airboat ride and the driver, a native like me, shared his story of growing up in the Everglades, not as a Seminole but the man who owns the airboat ride company and he went to school together. He told about the 200 acres of wetlands they share with visitors. The federal government owns the land up against the airboat company and will no longer allow them to use the dock on that side of their property because the water it belongs to the federal government. This airboat ride was one of the highlights of the trip. Showing me the city girl the actual place where the owner of the airboat company grew up in open air buildings with thatch roofs and being picked on in school because he smelled like smoke because there was always a fire going to keep away the mosquitoes. I can't verify the story is all true but it was definitely a believable tale if it wasn't the truth. 

One last thought and this is what got me typing today. The black bear, like the alligator living his best life in the small chunks of land we have given them to live but we are ever invading on. Back in the 1970s we the people had dwindled the population of the black bear down to about 400 bears in the state of Florida. Today the Fish and Wildlife people say we have successfully conserved and now there are over 4,000 black bears in Florida. They have not officially allowed the black bear to be hunted in 10 years but as motorist, we kill over 200 per year. This hunt as I have read will allow 187 permits for one bear each. I don't know the intention of the hunter. Is it just the trophy on the wall or is this like the venison they are going to eat it. I am not sure and really don't want to know. I just feel like we invade and take over and invade and take over then blame the animal or person that was already here for being in our way of taking over. I know most don't agree but guess what they probably aren't from here anyway.

A Memory for a Friend from Wales

 

A friend told me a story yesterday and said she had others and wanted to start writing them down. Well, her story has been tossing around in my head and though I didn’t take notes I can get her started.

The story goes that when this woman was just a young girl, she had an affinity for horses. And not too far from her Welsh home was Sylvia Gardner’s Riding School and stables on a large horse farm in Monmouth, Wales. The farm was about a mile off the paved road.

A little back story on the farm. The farm was originally part of a family’s home The Hendre a Victorian Gothic country home owned by Rolls Family. The Victorian country home is now the Rolls of Monmouth Golf Club clubhouse. If you are wondering yes, it is the Rolls of Rolls Royce that we are talking about.  The Golf Club commemorates the aviation and motor pioneer Charles Stewart Rolls. Charles was the first Brit to be killed in a powered aircraft aviation accident. He was flying his Wright Flyer and the tail broke off. He was only 32 years old. The land was passed on to his sister and then in 1958, the Amberly Court Farm was sold to the Ward family dairy farmers. 

The Ward family had two sons Charles and Kingsley and at that time they and a lot of other young people were into that new Rock and Roll music. These two learned to play music and sing and started a band called the Charles Kingsley Combo, one of the first Rock and Roll bands in Wales. The two had to travel to London, first to EMI recording house but they were told to come back with more material in 6 months. Then they were spotted by Joe Meek a record producer in London but since the brothers were still working the farm it was hard to travel back and forth to London 140 miles but back then before there were highways this was quite a long slow drive.

 In 1961 the brothers then came up with the idea of creating a recording studio in the attic of their parent's home. As they grew they moved the studio to the upstairs of a grain storage building and began recording under the name Future Sounds Limited. They later moved the studio downstairs in the grain building now known as the Coach House Studio.  In 1973 they also converted a stable to a studio now called The Quadrangle Studio. 

This is a house of firsts because one of the first groups to record there was an American group Elephant’s Memory from New York (later known for backing up John Lennon and Yoko Ono) the Ward parents let the group stay at their house, the first Residential Recording Studio.  The property is now known as Rockfield Studios and is still a Residential Studio.

Now the part that she remembered was later in the 1970s Queen recorded at the Rockfield Studios. They were one of the first groups to use The Quadrangle studio. Recording in 1973 hits like Killer Queen and in 1974 yes, you guessed it Bohemian Rhapsody. 

But from such humble beginnings did these Welsh brothers and my friend come. I think it is pretty cool that not far from where she grew up were such geniuses as an inventor like Charles Rolls and the ingenuity of two brothers trying to make a dream come true. And she is pretty amazing on her own right.

Other bands that have recorded at the Rockfield Studios you may have heard of Adam and the Ants, Robert Plant, Coldplay, Rush, Annie Lennox, Blonde a regular who's who or Rock n Roll. 

Photos from the Royal Commission on Ancient and Historical Monuments and the Rolls of Monmouth Golf Club. 

Twice in one week

 Here I am late at night up when I should be sleeping. I sat on the couch scrolling through videos it always starts with a dog video. Tatum... He talks about loving to eat nuggets. But other dogs use the same voice are they the same family? It confuses me I keep scrolling. Now somehow it is Susanah Hoffs singing an acoustic Manic Monday. I really like that. Instead of these silly videos playing again, it should have a continue button so you can see more of that song or video. Then I see she is 65 and she has written a book. I don't need a life story just because I like the song. Then Pink singing Learn to Love Again. This song has so many memories attached but I only know why. So then two more videos and more Pink and then more Pink why? Now Robin Williams pops in and back in the day I never thought he was on drugs. I guess I should have known but I don't know many people that did drugs so how would I know. And then how do we get to Jim Carey talking about being depressed and Depression is your body saying you need a deep rest or so he says and I think, this could be something but I don't really care for Jim Carey and then Robert Downy Jr talking about recovery and Ben Affleck talking about it as well and this guy Jelly Roll I have heard the name but had no idea who he was. Again. I don't drink or do drugs so why a focus on recovery?

The more I scroll we have John Denver and Carly Simon, Phil Collins and I am starting to believe I am in the right space but where the heck did Hansen come from. Acoustic MMMBop. What in the world, that is from 1997 I thought it was after 2000, for sure. What do I know about boy bands, I was 30 years old then.

The more you scroll the weirder it gets. I am not sure how the thing works. Sometimes I relate and sometimes I don't but that doesn't mean it isn't going to keep sending me the same message. Which is weird because I keep scrolling oh thank goodness finally another Tatum video, or was it Apollo really do they belong to the same family? So, I googled it. Still don't know the answer. Same voice or very similar. Does it matter not really. Just funny they love their nuggets and Princess loved nuggets so I love them. 

At 1:30 in the morning, the only thing that matters is getting this stuff out of my head and on the screen so my brain can go to sleep.  I know they say you should put down your devices before you go to bed but I had already slept a few hours before I woke and couldn't fall back asleep. Richard Prior talking about God and now I know I have gone down a rabbit hole with Robin Williams playing Moses, where the heck is Billy Crystal and Whoopi? Where is REM or am I finding my religion or Losing it? Then some Matchbox 20 and Carly Simon. It is a Landslide... I love that song but again. I would like to hear the whole thing. Seasons in the Sun sung by a family not the original moving on but thanks I do love that song. Now the funny thing is if Facebook and Youtube are all owned by the same people and Google is always watching what I am doing. Don't they know I like the original Seasons in the Sun and of course, I love 90s country but none of that tonight just a version of Olivia Newton-John singing Country Roads when it was new. 

I am sure if you are still reading you are wondering why I continue typing. Why does this big muscular guy tell me I am a valuable human being. How does he know? What does he know about being a girl but he did tell me he would help me carry the weight that I carry by saying look at these shoulders. They can carry anything and along with me so can you. I am tough. I am weak. I am sad and at times I am depressed. I don't think I need to recover from anything but maybe I do. I know being funny is a coping mechanism. I have been doing it my whole life. I now get a much bigger laugh because I am quiet and when I say something that is truly ironic or funny or sarcastic it is a surprise, to most. I just think there she is... 

Well it is 2am. I know that isn't the Matchbox 20 song but how about Maroon 5 Hears to the ones that we lost. Oh and Creed. I didn't realize how much 90s music I like. Now again. I would have thought Creed much earlier than Hansen but not really. But did people who listened to Creed listen to Hansen? I leave all these videos with more questions than answers. And a great place to end a little carpool karaoke with George Michael. Man oh man. Now let me sleep. Please.

Hurricane Helene

 I have not written here in quite sometime, but I never forget this space. A place where I am free to be me and I truly write for myself. This morning I woke after a day of working and not knowing what was happening outside because the storm shutters were closed at my work, so it was like night all day long. The storm I speak of is Helene. She will go down in the archives of Florida storms that changed lives forever. There was water last night in places that have never seen water so high and winds higher than most have seen in quite some time. 

I worked all day yesterday and when it was time to leave I prayed everything would be ok on my short drive home. Winds at over 50 miles per hour, but strangely very little rain. This huge storm Helene just 90 miles away in the Gulf of Mexico and as she moved from the Yucatan Peninsula Wednesday organizing and gathering her strength. She twirled her dress around her in a counterclockwise spin. Dresses like that you just don't know how wide they are.  I am sure she didn't know how far-reaching her bands would cause havoc. 

In 24 hours she (Helene) traveled 650 miles from Cancun, Mexico to Perry, Fl. I have not watched the news but that area will feel the brunt of her rath. The girl probably didn't know her own strength she was so disorganized a week ago not sure she would ever leave the Mexican coast but here she made it across the Gulf gathering herself together and pushing onshore. She pushed water all along the Florida coast into places that hadn't seen water this high before. 

This is where I get to the point. I walked into the living room last night with the winds whipping outside at 50-80 miles per hour and everything blowing around and my husband was watching football on tv. That wasn't the crazy part for a Thursday night in football season that is normal but thinking about the wind outside and the water rising in not far away places to the point that people are trapped in their homes they thought they would be safe in. The thought was surreal. The world out there beyond Helene's reaches was just cruising along. People went out to eat and to the movies across the country as Floridians sat hunkered down.

The sound of a fire truck just stopped me and made me check the Active Calls website for 911 in Pinellas County. It is 5 am as I checked the police site first and a bunch of Traffic Control calls for lights out on the street but the county site shocked me usually it would be medical issues but this morning structure fires. There are currently 10 burning within the county. I am sure mostly transformers blowing or power lines down causing them but that is a lot with over 80 vehicles responding. That will stretch thin an already tired bunch of men and women. And another fire truck just passed by.

All of this has made me think of the people in war-torn parts of the world who are just trying to survive the day and wish for normalcy of work and days off. Not afraid to walk down the street or get on a bus. We so take for granted the luxury of the normalcy we have on most days. We go to the store and there is food on the shelves and at the gas station we can fill up our cars. There is no smell of smoke or bombs. There aren't buildings collapsed that were standing yesterday but here today, I feel for those people. Those I don't know. Those I can't see. I feel their pain. Their true need for normalcy in their lives. I also feel for those less far away along the Gulf Coast. People who have never had water in their houses now wonder when it will recede. 

The worries in my life that some days are debilitating and are mostly just life's ups and downs. I struggle with them trying to control the outcome. Sometimes I need to just ride the wave and things will work out. 

I am not sure there is a moral to the story. Just be kind. You never know what others are struggling with. You don't know their pain and they certainly don't know yours. Show empathy for someone experiencing something you can't imagine. For one day you may wish for theirs.

Amen. Please be careful out there.

New Beginnings

 It has been a while maybe too long since I wrote here regularly. For the last few years it has been one thing or another. A project for the museum, or a new display. During the pandemic I wrote daily and the time that followed I worked on compiling those daily posts into a book. That book I completed last night. The book itself has been done for a year. I have spent the last year battling formatting and trying to get it just the way I wanted it. Each time I thought I am going to just pay someone to do whatever it that needs to be done. I would hunker down and research the problem and I would figure out a way to do it myself. I can't say it will be perfection. I can only say it is truly a work of passion and resilience. This morning I ordered my proof paperback copy after working for a short time last night on finishing touches. Now I will move on to the next phase sharing that book with the rest of the world.

"New beginnings are usually scary" said Sandra Bullock in Hope Floats. "Endings are usually sad." "But it is the middle that is important." Well I guess I am at the new beginnings stage. I have been wallowing through endings are sad, and have been for months. It has just felt like an endless stream of sadness. 

I don't' want to be sad but our pretty girl Princess passed away in May. My girl. She spoke to us in bow- wow-wow voice. She would look at me with her cloudy cataract ridden eyes but that isn't what I saw. I saw a young girl who fought like hell to not be left behind. When she found us at the SPCA they told us she has been returned 3 times. I almost felt like they were either trying to talk us out of her but at the same time they were like you can take her home today. We had a 17 year old cat at home and they said just don't write that down. We went into a small pen with her and Brian got down on the floor and she played with him licked his face and when she was done she came over and sat on top of my feet. My pretty girl had won my heart with one fell swoop. 

She was 3 years old, 50 pound, black Shar pei mix, her little ears folded over on themselves and her tail curled up over her body and she wagged it when she was happy. That was all the time except when she was guarding me. We took her to obedience classes and we couldn't be at the same end of the room as the rest of the class. They called her reactive. We tried to do the exercise where we walk her on a leash between other dogs but that wasn't going to happen with out a lot of barking and pulling and scaring the daylights out of everyone in the room except for us. Years later we came across a lady that was a volunteer from that class at the park and she couldn't believe it was the same girl. She still pulled and barked but we learned how to distract her from whatever was too close and we  moved on. 

Now I am trying to do the same thing. Move on. Brian has been ready for another dog since the day she passed. But me I look at a dog or a picture of one and want to cry. The tears are hard to see through right now. I can make many similarities between Princess and Kody (our first dog). Medium size black dogs that wagged their tails. Each with their own issues. Kody had seizures his whole life. Princess had a reaction to the sun and heat. If she got too hot she would get welts all across her body and her face would swell up. She would truly look like a Shar pei then. Many trips to the emergency vet and a boat load of Benadryl. One day we figured out what was causing it and after that we could at least know what her exposure was and if a pill would do it or if we needed her to get a shot. She didn't fuss or cry she was a good girl as long as there was no other dogs in the vet. We would usually just ask to be put in a room so she didn't upset the others.

Since Princess had her reaction with the heat we would move her bed away from the fireplace in the winter so she wouldn't get too warm. One time Brian pulled her bed away and as he walks away she gets up and grabs the corner and pulls it back closer to the fireplace. The girl was no dummy. She knew just where she wanted to be.

Three days after Kody passed the day before my birthday in 2009 we made a trip to the emergency room for me. My first panic attack. I returned to the ER two more times in a week. After that I had to find a resolution to my panic. I met a beautiful soul of a counselor and after listening to me she gave me an assignment. Go home and write a letter to Kody and tell him everything you want to say. I sat down a few days later home alone and hand wrote 11 pages of memories and wishes and all that poured out of my soul for the Best Dog (what we called Kody). The first time I wanted to call Princess the Best Dog, I told her you are the best girl dog. I knew it would take a while before Kody would give up that name.

So as the time has passed since I last saw Princess pretty face. I have thought about that exercise of writing about what I missed but the feelings have been so raw I haven't been able to do that. As she was aging I was already mourning. I mourned what I had, what I was losing. We accommodated every need of hers as any good pet owner would. Couldn't jump on the bed cleared off the bench at the end of the bed for her to use as a step up. Couldn't make that jump we called it spotting her. We would spot her to make sure she got all the way up on the bed. Never would I have let her believe she wasn't the strongest dog in the world. Thinking about her jumping up, her favorite place to watch the world go by was the wooden trunk under our front window. She would jump up there and watch people, dogs & cats even the bunny rabbits in the front yard. She barked to let us know what was there. We would commend her on her watchful eye and tell her thank you pretty girl for letting us know. This was another thing that slowly slipped away. she stopped jumping up and she would bark from the ground, just knowing something was out there. It would make me sad. Knowing she couldn't do her thing. Towards the end she would be laying on the floor or the couch and barely lift her head and let out a single bark and put her head back down. But we knew what she was saying. 

The best Princess story at the front window was when she was young we would have K-9 police officers bring their dogs to our street. They would hide something and have the dogs look for it. One afternoon they were running the dog down the street and the German Sheppard stopped in front of our house made his way around our front yard the whole time Princess is warning him not to come a step closer to her house. He actually stopped and looked up at her then continued until he found the contraband. After that the police officer without his dog came up to our door and knocked. As he stood at the bottom of the step he realized he was looking in the eyes of the dog that was doing all the barking. When we opened the door he was surprised to find our pretty girl standing on top of the trunk barking in his face now that the door was open. He said I just wanted to meet the dog that made my dog stop working. LOL. I don't think they did that in front our house anymore.

As Princess was getting older she didn't want to eat dry food so I cooked chicken and rice for her just like I had Kody. One thing about dogs with seizures the medicine kills their liver. But we were able to help by feeding fresh food. Princess she loved scrambled eggs or anything on my plate. Just like with Kody I knew one day I would cry that I got the last bite of my own food. But my pretty girl would gobble up what ever I had made so fast I would say she couldn't even taste it. 

Princess was good with children and older people. When my nieces and nephew were young we could sit on the floor and as long as they weren't trying to eat we would be ok. If they were eating Princess would often deem them too slow and take the food out of their hands. She didn't understand why the kids would hold the food so long and the kids didn't know why Princess was eating their food. As for older people after my mother's stroke she stayed at our house for a few weeks. Princess was her companion. She went everywhere mom went. Mom would open the back door to smoke and let Princess out. Princess would come in for her treat. Mom couldn't go down the steps but I didn't like her smoking in the house so this was her compromise until there was someone to help her down the steps.

When we had Kody we had taken him on a few trips to North Carolina with us but Princess always stayed with one of my sisters. We did take her camping the first time we took out the RV. She was really good and sat on the bench in the back while we drove. She slept on the small bed with us at night. She loved the outdoors but it rained that weekend so we went for a few walks but spent most of our time inside. She was just a happy girl. she loved being with us. 

So many memories flood my brain. The time after Hurricane Irma we had no power after 5 days my first day off. I took her to Chick fil-a and drove through got me a sandwich and her some nuggets. We sat in the car at a park with the air running in the shade to cool off and eat our food. When we got home I was going to hose her down and when I went in the house to get on a bathing suit the power came on. Thank God. Not soon after that our fence was still down after the storm and she got stuck on her side with a board and had to have staples in her side. She didn't cry or whimper we didn't even know she was hurt until Brian went to pet her and he stuck his finger in the hole. No cone for the pretty girl though the vet tech suggested since it was going to be weeks with the staples to get her a t-shirt and tie a knot in the back to cover her side. She never messed with it at all. 

Speaking of Princess getting hurt about 3 weeks after those staples came out our girl was chasing a cat through the back yard, not our cat. Just one passing through the wrong yard. The cat went over the picnic table we had and Princess tried to go under. She ended up cutting a V shaped section out of her scalp. Don't know if they counted how many stiches that took but our regular vet was like you are going to have to take her somewhere else. The poor girl with her head split open and they couldn't stich her. Emergency vet here we come again. We were like really we just got done paying for the last emergency vet trip. And one more.  Another time she got into a scuffle with a opossum. The opossum scratched her eye lid she had to have 15 stiches.  Who would know we live just a block from the busiest street in our area. 

My pretty girl we could go on and on with memories and funny stories of things that you did. When you were a bad girl and when you were the best girl. When you were my pretty princess. I miss you everyday. 

Excerpt from a poem She is Gone by David Harkins

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

Thank you for the years of good times and good memories. The memories will live on as long as I do.

 

Life is Short

 Life is short they say. I am now at the age where I am realizing just how short. I have daily reminders and that makes me feel sad, and sometimes the sadness lingers from one sad thing to the next. Another reminder the loss of another friend. 

I know everyone my age loses people and some they have known for years and are close to and sometimes they seem to come just a bit too close together. My most recent loss was that of a boss. A lady that some might have said was hard to work for but I would say she was tough but fair. When you work for someone like that the expectations aren't high just for the sake of it. Her expectations were high for her own work and she only expected you to set the bar high for yourself. If not she would show you where you fell short. Not in a way that made me feel bad, but in a way that I believed I could be better. She was a get to the office early and stay til everyone was gone. Her desk always had a pile of work on it. If not hers someone else's work she was checking. 

This person I considered a friend she came to our wedding. But in the years that have passed since we left Eckerd we have only exchanged Christmas cards and run into each other at a restaurant or art show. Always saying we will get together soon. I do regret us not getting together more but like most people who were good influences on me I thought of her often and what she would do. 

I don't ever recall her yelling or raising her voice. It was not necessary. Just an explanation of how your work could be better or more accurate. 

The loss of a mentor or sensei (a person that comes before another) is one I seem to struggle more with. A person I have learned so much from, she probably wouldn't want me to go on about her.  I know I am not alone in my respect for her and her guidance. Even though it has been years since I shared things with her early in the morning before work. Crying over something I had no control over, she would not placate me or promise things would be better but that I would get through the struggle and at times share her own similar struggle with me. 

I learned from her how to be the best me that I could be. Today I share my struggles with younger people so they know it will not be easy but they to can get through it (whatever it may be). Sometimes knowing someone got to the other side of a struggle makes me believe I can get there myself.

My yearly trips with my nieces and nephews is a direct reflection of how she taught by doing. Spending time with those younger than her that meant so much to her. 

So here is to the one that came before me. One of the ones who would have done anything for me. 

She will be missed.

Always in my heart!

Family Strength

 For those looking for a story, I thought of one the other day and don't think it has been shared here before. 

I would say I was in the 7th grade and I had this great English teacher Mrs. Klickyn I know I am spelling her name wrong and will look it up and correct it once the sun comes up. LOL. She was one of the best teachers I ever had. Anyway, we had to write a story about learning a lesson. I went home and was telling my parents and my dad who wasn't usually the first to help with homework said he knew a story I could write. As he told the story and I listened I didn't recall the incident that he was talking about but I have told the story so many times since I can see it happen in my head as I tell it.

My father told me that he and I were walking along a sidewalk, I was small maybe 2 years old. As we walked I tripped and fell and my father stood by me waiting for me to get up. These two ladies walking in the opposite direction approached and said to him, aren't you going to help her. My father responded I will not always be here to pick her up but I will be here to make sure she gets up on her own. 

That is it. That is the story and the lesson. Short and concise. Dad as a rule didn't pick us up when we fell or fell short of anything. He was there if we needed him but for the most part, he just stood by for us to be strong enough to get up on our own. 

Some might think this a sad story of a father not sweeping up his little girl and comforting her. But at my age now and maybe even back then I know I am stronger because of that very reason. My father passed away in 2021 as I stood in the church with my brother and sisters and all our friends and family this story came to mind. Dad had stood by us long enough for us to be strong enough to stand on our own. 

I didn't know the last time I saw him it would be the very last. I thought we would meet a few months later for our birthdays, but that was not what fate had in store. So for those that don't know my father passed away in Anchorage, Alaska in the hospital not from Covid but from complications due to having it. 

When I fall or falter and get back up I know it is because of the way we were raised that I am the person I am and I will get back up. 

Dawn of The Pandemic release

 So, it has been a while since I wrote anything here. Since the last time, I have written a book, Dawn of The Pandemic. The ebook was released earlier this month. I am still working on getting the formatting right for the print book. 

Here is the cover. It is available on Amazon. I am trying to figure out all the ins and outs of being a writer, publisher and chief cook and bottle washer. Makes me spread kinda thin.

The book is about my Pandemic experience. I walked each morning to see the colors of the sky and for a few minutes each day to get out of the house and out of my head. I also wrote what was going on with the Pandemic outside of our house, statistics and how relative it was to me. As I say on the back cover while I was marking time I didn't realize time would never be the same. 

I am working on a couple other projects now, a history book and the history is told by some of the oldest trees. And another memoir type about growing up on Clearwater Beach. I have about 7 chapters of that written. Whenever a story comes to me I write it down. 

Enjoy Dawn of The Pandemic.

The Man and his Legacy

 Last night I found out that one of my favorite people in the world passed away on my birthday earlier this year. This is one of those people that made a difference in my life. A store manager I worked for at Eckerd. It is funny how I worked at one store for a long time had 4 different managers. But once I became a Service Assistant which was a key carrying cashier that could open and close the store. I moved around to many different stores in the area and learned to work with all kinds of different people. As a rule it always seemed like I was in a particular store between 8 months and a couple years and by then usually ready to move on. I can name the stores I worked by location by store numbers by store managers. I can tell stories about customers and employees at each one. I can tell you lessons I learned at each place. 

Store #7 on Missouri and Rosery. I already knew when I got there that a store is a family. One more dysfunctional than the next. At this store I was about 25 years old. The man that was the manager there a silver haired soft spoken man named Andy. He was one of those people that you rarely saw get mad and things seemed to roll off of him. He ran a neat and organized store. I think he had been in the Navy when he was younger. His wife Comfy always stopping by dropping off lunch for someone. I can remember Andy calling me one late afternoon. "Jeanne, I left my sandwich in the refrigerator. Please eat it." These were little things. Who knows I might not have had any money and he intentionally left it or it could have just been an accident but he really never made the people that worked for him feel poorly about themselves and he certainly wouldn't have let one of them go without anything they needed. 

I learned working with him that sometimes there are people in the world you have to help them improve themselves without making them feel like there was anything wrong with them. We had quite a few young people that worked in the afternoon and weekends. They were all like his children. There was one that would call out because he didn't have a ride to work. So, instead of leaving him to sit home. Andy or Comfy would go pick him up and bring him to work. Not having a ride wasn't going to get you out of work. It also saved me from being short handed. I would take that same kid home at night after work. I got to where if Andy wasn't there I to would go pick him up. We had a young girl that worked there. She was in her late teens. I remember when she came in and told me she was pregnant. Again, just like my own child I would feed her and make sure she had whatever she needed. There was a young man that worked in the pharmacy and he had long hair and at that time Eckerd was a fairly conservative company to work for. Guys with long hair weren't easily accepted by upper management. But instead of telling the kid to cut his hair, when we had store visits. Andy would send him on lunch or send him to Publix. I can remember going outside and finding him sitting on the bench in the shopping plaza and letting him know all clear. He could come back to work. An earring or long hair didn't make you a bad person or a bad employee. Just made you different.

Andy and Comfy welcomed their dysfunctional family into their own. I took their daughter and son's wedding pictures. I know some of the young people that worked at the store lived in their upstairs apartment. This was a family I wanted to be a part of. When I was at this store was the time when I had first started seeing Brian and five years later, Andy and Comfy were at our wedding. 

I was thinking today that it was about 27 years ago when I worked for him. I realized that he was probably about my age when now when I worked for him. His silver hair made him seem older but I would guess in his 50s at that time. Amazing how time changes my perspective. Back then I was the young Assistant trying to learn my way and he seemed to be the Jedi Master with all the answers. He always made me feel like whatever was wrong could be fixed. Maybe it was a jack of all trades kind of thing. Whatever you needed he seemed to have the answer or a solution and if he didn't well his sure footed wife Comfy certainly did. 

Now all these years later still a part of my Eckerd Family but a regular part of my life. A sure thing that the first Christmas card received each and every year is going to be from Andy and Comfy including family pictures. We had a Eckerd get together at my house maybe five or so years ago. I remember it being so important to me that Andy and Comfy were able to come. I always felt like if I needed something really if I needed anything and I called this wonderful couple they would be able to help me. I don't know that I learned to be selfless from them but I most definitely honed my skills of selflessness and giving while working for him.

I knew he had cancer. Like I said, these are people I think of all the time. The kind you know are always there. I am so sorry for Comfy and her children's loss. Really the whole world lost a really great guy on my birthday this year. But God now has a really great angel. Andy you will be missed.

Hello God, It is me...

 The other day I read an article about a phone booth at the Burning Man event in Nevada that had a sign out that said talk to God. The person wrote that people were waiting in line. Reading that it instantly brought tears to my eyes. What would I say? The first thing that came to mind is how is mom? I continued reading the article and the person wrote that he had serious questions for God. Like is the Bible truly Your words? I have thought about that before. Back in the day when it was being written not many people could read or write. Scholars and Monks. Maybe one of them sat down one night with a pen and vellum (they didn't have paper) and wrote a story about the time of Jesus and the creation of the world. So, I find that a valid question. My other thought is do you talk or do you listen. Do I want to tell God what is bothering me today? In theory he already knows so then maybe I should just listen to what he/she has to tell me. Maybe Jeanne, you don't need to worry so much about things. Somethings are going to happen and worrying or not is not going to change the outcome. Seems like really good advice.

The more I read I found that people are lined up to talk to God in a phone booth but in this day there are less and less going to church. So do people feel that a phone booth is just as likely a place to talk to God as any. One thing I have said about myself for quite sometime is that I am not religious but I am faithful. I believe there is a God. I don't even know if believe is the right word. I know there is a God. There has to be. No matter your belief in how the world started weather Adam & Eve or a big bang. All the creatures of the world and the stars and planets. There had to be a power that created it all be it in 7 days or in an instant. Imagine all the things in my body that it takes to type these words. My brain thinks them, sends a message to my fingers which know where the keys are in the dark to type them and my eyes are able to read them on the screen and back to my brain that understands that my words can be understood. 

As I read the first article, I kept thinking who is God. A shrink, a priest, someone with some ability to council. Someone who knows who has had one too many and who is very serious in their purpose or pursuit of God. 

The second article I read was different. I learned that not only can you wait in line to talk to God from the phone booth that when you pick up the receiver that a light shines straight up to the heavens. There is also a place not far away that there is another phone and if you find that phone. You can be God. Now, I feel that we are unstable ground and the more I read the more I knew that this could be a person calling asking God for prayers for a mother or child that is sick but it also could be a person crying for help. This such situation happened to the person who was God. The person said something about thinking about doing something they had tried before but not been successful at. My first thought was Lord Help him he is talking suicide. I am not sure if the person on the phone was thinking that instantly. They asked will doing this thing make you happy and the person in the phone booth said yes. The person playing God said, you should do what makes you happy. I don't think that is totally true number one. Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem and you don't know that the thing that will make one person happy will not hurt another. How could you imagine death could make you happy. See, now Jeanne is thinking I don't like this. I don't like it at all. The more I read of the second article the more I learned that not only is there the God person on the phone there are others sitting around listening to a speaker able to hear the person on the phone in the  confessional of a phone booth as well as the God person's responses. Since all stories don't have happy endings. That year at Burning Man someone did commit suicide. I don't know if it was the person in the phone booth or not. I learned that the person playing God felt strongly enough they weren't sure if they would return or ever play God again. Back in their real life they took a class at work and the person giving the class was talking about such a situation and said, if someone is talking like that you have to ask directly "Are you thinking about suicide." Even reading the words seemed harsh to me but if the person is truly thinking that way they need help from someone who isn't playing God. Someone who has real experience with dealing with whatever the underlying issues are that has gotten this person to this place.

During this pandemic I know that some people find solace in being home. Feeling safe. Others feel isolated. I am going to say I have felt both. I am not and never have thought of suicide. Just to be clear for those that are worrying about me taking this line of thought this far in the middle of the night. I want to live and I want to be happy and have no interest in hurting myself or others. I said once in a post that my pendulum of happiness is just weighted to the sad side sometimes. The last few days I have felt that weight. I don't know if it is literally the extra pounds of being home all the time. I have thought about it and other than going to work I thought I was home a lot before. But being at home all the time at first I thought this gives me time to be productive at home. That time I would be driving to and from work. I could clean something, sort something, throw out something. That feeling didn't last long. Then my drive home as Brian called it I would lay down and read my book and decompress from work for 30 minutes and then do whatever it is I do. Cook dinner, wash dishes, take out the trash, do laundry. You know all those things. 

I really never liked the idea of working at home. I felt like there would be no separation. I had to walk past my work computer to get to this one to write this post. I have to push the chair out of the way to open our front door if someone comes over. On the other hand taking a shower and putting on a pair of shorts and a shirt and walking across the house is a nice commute. Not wearing shoes is an excellent benefit which out weighs jeans day which our company doesn't do anyway. So there are plusses and minuses. 

Yesterday however I really could have used being around other people. I was in a worrying state. Monkey brain they like to call it. When your brain just jumps from one thing to another. I used a breathing exercise and I reached out to a friend at work through instant message instead of walking over to her desk on my break and crying and telling her I hate that I worry. But luckily she was able to make me laugh through an instant message. And for a few moments we talked about unrelated things and my mind got back to where I needed it to be and I was able to continue on with my day. And made it. 

I think part of my problem is Social Media the constant bombing of the left and right telling me why they believe what they believe and why Mo or Jo should be President. The news of all these hurricanes battering the Gulf coast. This pandemic we have been living through. So here I am at 6am. My thought was I wanted to get to the part where I asked God if the library in heaven was as big as the sky and can I read any book and when I am done come back and get another. Can I spend my day floating on a cloud next to an ocean or a swimming pool. I know everyone talks about the food but I just need to know there is peace.

 I really just don't want to worry. Thanks for listening God. 

Drinks are on me

 All right. So I couldn't think of anything to write but it is nearly 6am on a Saturday morning and I am up staring at a blank page. I instantly play a game of solitaire on the computer to hope that I will stop thinking and go back to bed but when that doesn't work I go to a creative writing website with writing prompt ideas. I read through the list as though it is a check list. Done that. No, not that. No, not tonight. Maybe. Then I see the subject. Drinks on me. I can do that. I have a story that I don't think I have told here before.

When I was about 23 years old I took a job as a portrait photographer in Kmart. I didn't work directly for Kmart I worked for another company that provided the service in the store. I know it isn't exactly fashion photography somedays it was more like shooting for National Geographic. I think we had a week of training. Learning how to set up and break down the studio. How to load the camera with a 100 ft roll of film in a dark bag. Well if you know what Mary Tyler Moore's hair looked like back in the 1970's then you can feel your way through getting the film set. It was a mobile studio and you would be in a particular area for a long weekend like Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Then home a few days and back at it in another city. Making your way around the state.

On Wednesday I would leave the house with the studio packed into my car and would head to where ever we were for that week. Every six weeks or so you would be back in the same area. I think the first week I was out I was in Fort Lauderdale. And for example there may be 6 or 8 Kmart stores in that area so there would be that many photographers. I remember this guy that I trained with his name was Jeff. He was a few years older than me and had been doing the job for a year or so. He helped me set up the studio and showed me the tricks to get a kid to smile that was crying or how to pose a family. These were the days of film and negatives and there was no showing them the image or even seeing it for myself other than through the lens of the camera. 

In the evening photographers would stay at the same place they stay every time they were in that area. We stayed as a group and usually got a better rate. Most were mom and pop places as I recall. Jeff explained that some of the people shared rooms to cut back on their expenses basically so you can keep more of the per diem we got. I think we got $30 per day for our room and maybe $15 for food per day. So if you didn't spend the $30 per night on your own room and you only spent $10 that left you $20 extra dollars a night. That first week I think I wasn't so sure about sharing a room with others. I think I shared with another girl on the road. But since Jeff and I were fast friends. The next week I was sharing a room with 3 other total strangers and spending way less money on my room with more money to spend.

 I quickly learned that that extra money was drinking money. Each night after a hard 9 hours taking kid and family pictures we would all go somewhere and get dinner and then of course there was a bar that they frequented. We would all hang out and drink until the wee hours of the night and then back to the room to crash until we had to get up and do it again the next morning. After a few days I was getting the handle on the schedule and after a few weeks I had my small circle of friends that I hung out with and shared a room with and drank with. Jeff had a friend much younger even younger than me Tadd. Tadd was an over the top kind of guy but they were both great fun to be with. Tadd liked to sing and he loved singing Whitney Houston. Granted this is 1990s so everyone loved Whitney Houston. I can not remember a specific song buy I can picture him arms spread and belting out some ballad of hers as though it was his own. One night while sitting at the bar drinking. Jeff and I came up with a game. We would choose semi randomly a person at the bar that we didn't know and buy them drinks. The bartender couldn't tell the person who was buying the drinks for them and we would continue to buy drinks for this person until we were ready to leave and then tell them it was us. 

I don't know if this sounds as fun as it was. It was a endeavor in people watching. How does the person react? Do they get mad? Some did. If they are with other people what are they doing. The whole time they are looking around the bar trying to figure out who was buying them drinks. And the whole time the bartender knows his tip depends on him keeping our secret. 

Now I didn't last at this job very long. As much as I love taking pictures I prefer nature to families. The saying goes never work with kids or animals. I am not sure if that saying has anything to do with photography but after doing the job for a while you get it. Which I guess is why as young people we would go out each night drinking. Almost every memory I have from those 6 or 8 weeks that I did that job I remember the people I worked with like Tadd and Jeff and the fun we had going out in the evening. Telling our stories of the day. The kid that I caught about to fall off the poser from more than 6 feet away, that had two parents with their hands on the child as they fell. The family of 12 that would barely fit within the space of the backdrop. Trying to arrange them so I could see them all in the shot. I do remember one child by name Abigail. I only remember because she said her name about 100 times and to her it was a three syllable name Ab-i-gail.

We definitely had favorite bars. When we were in Dothan, Alabama one week and Panama City, Florida the next. The bar in Dothan was so much fun that we drove the hour and a half each way just to go to the same bar two weeks in a row.  Another place we went was in Douglas, Georgia and it was cold out and the bar was outside and we were freezing doing shots of Jagermeister. Most who know me would not believe that I would be doing shots of anything but back in the day with these guys I would not blink an eye at a shot of tequila either. 

As it got closer to Christmas the company needed more people up north and I drove my Mustang loaded down with my photo studio on my own to Pennsylvania and then on to New Jersey. I know it was for the money and the adventure. I can remember me getting up there and getting out of the car freezing in shorts that I was comfortable in when I got in the car in Florida. I stayed with a friend of mine that lived in New Jersey for that week to save money. I am pretty sure I quit after that week. Instead of like 50 sittings in a week I was doing that every day. People lined up to get their kids Christmas pictures. It was pure insanity. 

It has been more than 30 years since those days. I have not seen or heard from either of them in that long as well. Don't even recall their last names but the memories from that time are with me forever. I think it is a lesson in life. Some moments last a lifetime and sometimes the memories do. I would not trade the time I did that job for anything. I needed a change in my life and I did it in an unimaginable way.  Cheers.

Tropical Breezes blowing through my Memories

I look out the window this afternoon and see the leaves blowing in the trees. The slightest of drizzle coming down. The sun is shining to the south but to the north and west it is dark. I look out from my desk and that tropical breeze reminds me of afternoons when I was young. Sitting out on the dock across the street from our house. 

I think for me it was the quiet place. The water lapping up on the seawall and under the lower section of the dock. On a good day we would be swimming or fishing from there. But on a day like to today I would sit quietly by myself looking at the houses across the bay and the water. I don't recall what I would think about. I think it was just my place to not be in the house with so many other people. My place to sneak away. I can't count the times my mother would come up behind me and startle me as I sat there watching the world go by. What are you doing over here? she would ask. Just watching the boats I would say.

One breezy day I know it was before a storm, I can't name which. I can only say it must have been expected to be bad because there were people anchoring their boats out in the middle of the bay. Watching them set the anchors and draw out the line to give their boat plenty of room to move with the wind. People moved their boats out to the safety of the bay to prevent them from battering into the dock as the wind blows and the tide rises. People that weren't prepared could go out the next day to a sunk boat or a grounded one. 

Labor Day weekend 1985, Hurricane Elena was one of those storms couldn't make up her mind which way to go and kind of hung out in the Gulf over the weekend. My brother and sisters we were all in our teens and spent the evening putting down the storm shutters. We weren't sure what we were doing but we were pretty sure we were going to leave the beach. It was late or early in the morning after midnight and we got all the windows covered and everything in the yard picked up and we left the house. There were no cell phones and I am not sure how or why but I ended up in the auditorium of Clearwater High with my boyfriend. The next morning we went to the Eckerd store at Cleveland Plaza and I remember the power was out but we had battery backups for the registers so we were able to ring up customers. I remember that I had no shoes on. They were probably in the car but I hadn't planned on working. Somehow I found that my family was at a house out off McMullen Booth Rd. My dad knew the people but the rest of us didn't. It was very strange. We spent the rest of the weekend watching tv in a strange house with people we didn't know. I was so anxious to get back to see if there was any damage to our house. As soon as I heard they were getting close to opening back up the causeway I got in my car and decided I would go sit and wait near the bridge to go home. I did and our house was high and dry as always. To this day 35 years later the house has never had the water rise higher than the bricks in the front yard. Which leaves about 3 more feet the water would need to rise to get even to the front steps.

There is something about watching a storm. Watching the water level drop in the bay was always a strange site. For those without the knowledge could find it fascinating to walk where there would usually be water but Mother Nature will teach her lessons, what goes out must come back and sometimes with a vengeance. More than once I have seen the bay water level go way down and then see the water come back up into the bay and the beach wouldn't flood from the west but instead from the east. So much water would push up into the bay it had no where to go but to head back over the beach and back out into the Gulf. 

One such storm was in the 1990s a no name storm as locals called it. Not even a tropical storm. More like a winter storm that lost its mind. I was living on my own by this time and had a roommate. We had gone out and it was raining pretty good at the bar we were at we were sitting outside watching Johnny Carson on TV and talking about the rain. When we got home he said, "are you sure it has never flooded here?" I told him, " not in my lifetime." Well, that changed that night. He woke me at about 3am and said, "you have to look outside." We looked out the back door and the water was rising in the street. I felt that are cars were safe. He had parked his in the driveway and pulled right up to the garage and I was parked right next to his in the grass. The water rose so high that night it actually came inside the garage. We had about two inches of water in the garage but again still needed at least another six or more inches to get into the house. We stayed up that night until daylight. Watched the water rise. There is a fire hydrant across from the house and the only part that could be seen was the the very top. That morning the power was out. We took his car and went out to survey the damage and get some breakfast. We found cars sitting in the street that would normally be in driveways. Signs blown down. But more water damage than wind. Remember this is salt water. So I took my car to a friend to have it cleaned and detailed. It had some water inside on the floorboards. I only drove it one more time and that was it. It wouldn't start again. The damage from the saltwater was so severe the car was totaled. For the next week or two a regular site would be cars being towed off the beach. Lots of cars with saltwater damage.

The next time we had to evacuate was 1998 Hurricane Georges. It was September 25 I remember because the next day my sister was getting married. But the church she was to get married in was in the evacuation zone as well. Her husband had to go pick up the priest from another church he was staying at while evacuated to take him to the Moose Lodge where there reception was to be held. We did the whole thing in one place. It was an all day event since people had no where to go and the weather was horrible out. People just stayed. We finally had to have the DJ stop playing so that we could get people to go home and we could clean up. Then just six weeks later Brian and I got married and on our honeymoon on Sanibel Island we woke to check the weather and saw the guy from the weather channel was on Sanibel Island. The power went off before we knew what was happening and we went to breakfast to find their power out as well. But they gave us juice and told us of the storm that was coming. When the power came on we had our breakfast and went out and watched the storm.

2003 we moved off of the beach which is a good thing since in 2004 we had 4 hurricanes that year. Mom evacuated for the first but got more stubborn after that and stayed home for the rest. We worried but she always ended up safe. 

My last I have written about before just 3 years ago this week I would have been sitting here sweating with no power for five days after Hurricane Irma. No way to write this blog having a tree fall on the front of the house. We still weathered the storm. 

As I sit here as the sun is setting thinking about all the storms they are now just a breeze in my memory.

Birthday Surprise

Today would be mom's 75 th birthday. Me the genealogist has always found it interesting that some days seem to repeat in a family that my birthday was the day my aunt and uncle got married and that one of my sisters birthday was my grand parents anniversary and that same sister had her daughter on another sister's birthday. We sometimes had 3 birthdays grouped together so we would share a celebration. My brother, my dad and I are birthdays are all within 2 weeks so we shared. My mom and grandma were within a week and then came the derby and mother's day and another sister's birthday. See things group together. Well in the youngest generation I have a niece who's birthday is the day before mom's and a great niece that is the day after. Unfortunately mom didn't live to see the princess be born. She loves Elsa or maybe she is Elsa. Parenthesis around mom which basically fill the gap this time of year that mom and grandma left empty. Gives a reason to celebrate when otherwise we might be sad or reflective. Well, I am always reflective.

That is what I am writing about this early morning. My niece who's birthday was yesterday. She turned 18 a milestone of birthdays. But in this time of Pandemic my sister wasn't sure what to do for her birthday. For my friend's birthday years ago I had her flocked. Where they put out a bunch of flamingos in her front yard and a big sign that said she turned 50. She lives on a busy street so it was quite the seen and well worth the money for the fun. So my sister and I looked into this last week to see if someone still does that sort of thing and a we did. The company FlocknSurprise. The owner was great. Well we decided we have too much time on our hands and we made signs to go along with the cows that were put out and the rather large sign that said, Holy Cow. Any cow pun we could come up with and some were udderly ridiculous. That was the sort of thing that we made enough to spread across the yard. Everyone contributed signs. And she had no idea. Her younger sister told her she approved of the birthday surprise which I guess in teenage lingo it was cool. At one point she told her sister they were getting a real cow for her. My sister bought cow bells for everyone.

Last week I started thinking about writing a letter to my niece. To share some of my memories of her life and to show her that sometimes things don't work out the way you think they are going to but they do work out. I told my sister last week in front of my younger niece and she joked Aunt Jeanne is writing a 3 page card. I said well, it is 3 pages long but may be more when I am done.Well as the wind started to pick up this very early morning and the thunder and lightning woke me. I got up for a drink and saw I had a text message on my phone. My now adult niece text me a mile long text thanking me for the letter and the poems. See I tied things in life to poems like Robert Frost The Road not Taken and Emily Dickenson's The Brain is Bigger than the Sky. I wanted to share things she might enjoy as well as show people have different ways of expressing themselves. At first I only added the titles of the poems and a short quote but I decided that she may not google them so I would print them out for her to read. I told her yesterday when she opened the card that she didn't need to read it now and I hoped she could read cursive since I wrote it by hand, I joked otherwise you will have to have your mom read it to you. But she assured me that she could read cursive and would read it.

That mile long text I got that I will probably save and never delete. A simple text message which validated my existence. I know that seems extreme but one of the things my mother used to say was it wasn't so bad that I didn't have kids. That I had already raised my brother and sisters and two parents. By the way that doesn't make a childless woman feel any better. But this morning my niece said that she loved experiencing things with me. That she enjoyed reading my memories and comparing them to her own and how we see things different but she likes to see things with me to see how I understand them to be. Because I know something about the world. As even the non-parent that I am I know that if a 18 year old acknowledges an adults opinion of anything is significant.

So today on my mom's birthday I have been validated as a person by a younger generation. Maybe not my own child but that of my sister's. The trips we take were so that I could have a few days per year to share life with 3 kids that I love. And in the last 5 years we have visited Thomas Edison's house, snorkeled with a scientist, visited a butterfly garden, gone on glass bottom boat ridesl seen wild horses (nay, nay's) as the girls called them and gone to a Submarine Museum.


All the while not sure if what I wanted to share was what they wanted to experience, but I learned today that they do enjoy the times we spend together and I do make a difference. That makes life worth it and we are going to plan a trip to some museums this summer.

Kids Life

Back at Thanksgiving I wrote about the holiday and the kids that live across the street. These kids live in a group home. We have lived across the street from this group home for 17 years so those kids back then probably have kids of their own by now. The thing I wrote about at Thanksgiving was my frustration with the kids and the people that worked there. How within the month of November I guessed the police had been out 30 times to the house. I under estimated by a lot. It was more than 60 times. My frustration made me take action and after visiting the police station and actually being told if there was anything wrong they would be shut down. Give me a break if the cops have been at the same address 60 times in one month the least there is, is something wrong.

Well today I am sitting in my front window and the kids are playing tether ball and yesterday I actually saw one of the adults that worked there out playing ball with the kids in the street. Now I know some of you think I am crazy but I wanted to walk out and say Thanks... So this morning as I started to sit down at the computer I thought I have some outdoor toys in the garage. I went out and found them and took them over. The boys that were out playing I asked if they could check with someone that worked there to see if I could give the toys to them. They came back out with the same adult that was out playing with them yesterday. I explained that I live across the street and I appreciate the work they are doing and the improvements that have been made. I handed over the stuff to the boys and they said thank you and have a nice day.

I did ask the adult if there was anything they needed and if so to let me know and I said we live just across the street. I explained my experiences and he had not worked there back in November but he knows what I am referring to.

To say that I was pleased would be an understatement.

The thing I wanted to write about is life experiences and that some are different than others and just because people don't have the same experiences that you did doesn't make them less of a person. It just makes them different. Those boys don't have parents that love them in the traditional sense. I don't know if they do at all, but I know that people care and those kids know who they are.

People with children always say they want better for their kids. Better by the standards of which they were brought up. If you grew up working hard maybe you want your kids to play more. Maybe my childhood I worried to much about others and I would hope that if I had a kid they wouldn't have to worry but that wouldn't mean I wouldn't want them to work hard and play hard. Everything in proportion. I know that kids today don't have responsibilities and I understand the world is different than when I was a kid. I am pretty sure what I would want my kid to be able to do is different than others. Kids need to know right from wrong and there are consequences. They need to learn who they can trust and how to manage money. These are the things that will make your kids good adults.

When my nieces and nephew were young I would hold them and talk to them like they were adults. Telling them things about making good choices and things I wanted to do with them when they got older. My one sister came home and asked what I was doing. I said, telling them all the things they won't want me to when they are older. God, I love those kids.  I teased my nephew he had to love me more than his mom so he would take care of me when I get old. I don't think my mother or grandmother thought that way but after taking care of both at the end of their lives I know how important it is to have someone that cares taking care of you.

I know I have covered a bunch of subjects but while you are home with your kids maybe show them how to pay the bills. They don't have to know that you worry about where the money is coming from just show them that it is due and you have to pay it. The rest they will learn in time.

My younger self

I was just looking for an idea for a writing prompt and it said to write a letter to your 14 year old self.

What would I say to that girl? Often if asked if I could do it again would I? I have always thought no. When I think of all the years that go by for some reason the hard things always come to mind first. I don't first think of my successes. So why would I want to relive my failures. Would I succeed where I failed the first time. Or would I fail where I first succeeded. Would I know the difference.

I wouldn't want to take a chance that I somehow wouldn't have met Brian. I don't know which things I would risk not doing that made me the person I am and which things I would do different that would change my entire life.

But if I was to give a 14 year old today advice about life.
Be true to yourself. 
Be honest with everyone. The truth is so much easier to remember. And the first rule I have always referred to is Never go back. 
Don't write anything down you don't want everyone to read. 
Don't say anything you wouldn't say in front of your mother.

Dear young girl,
Maybe you are related to me, if so I know you have opinions on everything. My mother was the queen of having an opinion. As her youngest grandson Paul would call her Bull Headed. A funny thing for her to be called since when she was young her family referred to her as Sitting Bull.

Mom did what she wanted and if that meant standing out behind her work smoking a cigarette with the men she shouldn't have been associating with in that day and age. Well, she did it. That same woman taught us that your station in life isn't important if you are a good person. Rich or poor it just doesn't matter. Mom grew up in a time and place where you didn't associate with people that were different than you. Yet somehow she taught us there are good and bad people everywhere.

A great piece of advice for you is that middle school and high school seem like forever but as you get older you will realize that those years are just a blip on the screen and there is so much more after that.  When people are mean it is usually because they truly don't like them self. They hurt others to make them self feel powerful. But those are the weakest people. They throw their weight around to see what they can get away with. Be nice and walk away. Always remember: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It is advice as old as the written word but there are no truer words. There is actually satisfaction to be had by being nice to someone that can't say a nice thing to you. As one of my favorite store managers told me just tell them to have a nice day. What can they say back to that. Well, I had a lady throw a box of medicine at me once because I told her to have a nice day. Still makes me smile today.

You will not be able to do everything right and you will treat people poorly. You will make mistakes. Recognize them as just that and improve yourself. You will befriend people you shouldn't and when you realize it cut your losses and walk away.

I have told the story many times that a boyfriend that I had been with for years. I thought we would get married after high school. Thought we would have kids and live happily ever after. It didn't work out that way and once I caught myself lying to him. I knew that I had to walk away. The friend I went to when it was over, funny thing is that was where he was going also. He had been seeing her behind my back. I sometimes think I wasted the years crying over this guy that I was just trying to please and there was no way I could. He didn't ever worry about making me happy. That is something to look for. If someone says they love you and they won't stick their neck out for you or defend your honor. You might want to think about not defending their's anymore.

A rebound is a rebound. Don't try to make it more. If a bad thing gets you out of a worse situation take it for what it is and keep it moving. It may seem counter productive but sometimes even a bad move is better than staying where you are.

 Realize that your time is precious don't waste it. In the same vain sometimes you have to be quiet and by yourself. Be happy with that person you are with. Know that she has a pure heart and means well. If she doesn't help her to do better. Yes, be nice to yourself. You are worth the effort.

True friends are the family you choose. Choose wisely and they will last forever. When they ask your opinion tell the truth but all the same expect the truth when you ask that of them. That is how you will know your friendship is pure. Those are the relationships that can last a lifetime. I can tell you I have been blessed with friends. Friends that tell me the truth and lift me up when I am down. And in the same turn I will lift anyone up that I can.

One truth in life is everything changes. Love where you are but know it isn't forever. Years of school become years of work. And one job sometimes leads to another and other times it leads to unemployment. Whatever happens keep moving forward.

I hope after reading this that you know you are capable of whatever you want to do. You can love others but have to love yourself first. That doesn't mean to hurt others for your own gain. The people you meet on your way up the ladder of life, they will be there on your way back down. Weather they help you or hurt you may depend on how you treated them.

Whoever you are know you are loved. That those that came before you, tried to make the world better for you. When I say hello to a stranger it was in hopes that someday someone will say hello to you when you need it. Smile and let them know how much it means to you. It may be what they needed to hear.

Love,
Aunt Jeanne

Thanksgiving

I suppose my Thanksgiving started like yours. I started by making my favorite food fresh cranberries. Followed up by my first attempt at a pumpkin pie. Last nights pecan pie wasn't quite the success I wanted a little over cooked but hopefully edible. This morning's pumpkin pie was a little runnier than I would have liked but seemed to shape up ok. Funny thing with pie is there is no way to know for sure until you cut into it. I might be a failure but won't know for sure until I present them to my whole family later today. Hopefully not.

So my favorite thing for Thanksgiving morning is to watch the the Macy's day parade. Not really the parade but the Broadway show actors that highlight songs and dancing before the parade starts. It is really to fill the space in front of Macy's for the hour it takes for the parade to get to that spot. But always ends with the Rockettes another favorite of mine. All of these homey moments brought to you by Hallmark or something like that was interrupted by kids outside.

Now these neighborhood kids are not the children or grandchildren of my neighbors. These kids are residents at a group home. The house has been a group home the entire time we have lived here and has changed the types of kids that have lived here over the years. When we first moved in it was runaway kids and foster kids needing a place to stay. Sometimes just until their parents picked them up and others much longer. Back then the man that ran the house was very involved and Brian and I would make donations when we could of items they needed. Sometimes that was games and toys or books. Sometimes it was sharing a few moments on Christmas morning with kids that didn't have anywhere else to be and no one else to be with. We would get them a new set of pajamas and a backpack full of things that kids normally have. They each got their own. Some of my best Christmas moments with kids were spent with kids that I don't know their names or what happened to them next. I just wanted us to be a positive moment for kids that don't have a lot of positive in their lives.

Later the home changed to housing teenage pregnant girls again. When we could we would share things with the girls. This was fun to buy nail polish, fluffy socks and things teenage girls would enjoy. Well last year when the government shutdown the house lost their funding and closed. It sat empty for probably 6 months. Then we started to see the stirring of people around the house but this time things are different. Mostly boys now I don't know what they are there for but they seem to have quite a bit of trouble at the house because almost daily we have a squad of police cars in front of our house. Now in the beginning we would have the police usually dropping off runaways a safe place for them until their parents could pick them up. But now the police are coming to arrest kids. I don't know what for but in the last couple months it has been daily events of police cars, paddy wagons and ambulances.

Our neighborhood is not very neighborly most of the people that live on our street are renters of duplexes, some houses are empty and even after more than 15 years we only know a few neighbors.
So back to this morning and the boys out front smoking in front of my house. It frustrated me because one of the adults that works at the house walked out and was watching but since the boys were in the street he didn't do anything. After a few minutes I walked outside and asked what they were doing. The two younger boys went back across the street and the older stood there and smoked. He didn't care. I get it he is 18 but the adults running this place have no control and clearly these kids have no respect. The best the adult could say was that lady is going to call the cops. So now it is my fault that these kids are going to get in trouble.

I have asked the police about the house and what is going on and Brian has joked that they might as well have a sub station there. We have now found out the name of the company that runs the home. I will be making a phone call on Friday. But while I took a shower this morning. You know that is where my best thinking comes. I thought I need to spin this in a positive way. Not for the company but for the kids. My interest is selfish. I want to be safe at my home but I also don't want these kids to believe all adults are the enemy. They also need to believe that they can make their situation better.

Who am I to believe I have any idea what these kids are going through. I can only imagine what these kids think of the world. In times of tragedy like after Hurricane Katrina I told Brian I can't watch anymore of the suffering if I am unable to help. So here I stand in my own house and I look out the window seeing these kids and the only reason to lash out like this is that no one has shown them a better way. Or if they have they haven't shown them that they are capable of changing their ways.

So I am going to make a phone call not to complain but to try to fix this problem. If whomever this group is that is running the house is interested in fixing the problem. I will help them find a way but if they aren't well. Then I will have to work a different direction. But these kids aren't going to think of the lady across the street to be the one that calls the cops. I will also not stop the cops from doing their jobs. I taught some of the girls that many years ago when I helped.

Those moments make differences. Maybe not today. But one day some of these kids will remember that there was a positive influence in their lives and there was someone to show them the way to a better future for themselves and my little corner of the world.